Learn how to handle toddler meltdowns! It’s a healthy way for kids to work through their problems and a good approach for parents to take with young kids.
Hi friends!
If you’re here because of the title of this post, let me cut right to the chase for you:
Question: How to handle toddler meltdowns?
Answer: Let them happen.
I planned to share a recipe with you guys today but then yesterday we had quite a day. Toddler meltdowns have been on my heart a lot lately so I thought I’d just share a few words on that instead. I would consider my son an expert on the subject of meltdowns and as such, I’m getting lots of practice dealing with them.
The bottom line is: I let my kid cry a lot. And here’s why:
Toddlers need to cry. It’s the best and sometimes only way for them to process their emotions, especially before they can put their feelings into words. I have a strong willed child – this is a good article on that subject. I compromise a lot. But I’m also willing to stand my ground. And that means he doesn’t always get his way. And he doesn’t like it. So he cries. And by cries I mean more like ear-splitting full volume wails coupled with his little body vibrating in anger, occasionally coming close to hyperventilating, often throwing himself on the ground…full on meltdowns.
And more often than not, I ignore him.
There is at least one point in every single day where I question what I’m doing as a parent. When I get totally overwhelmed, I like to go back and read articles I’ve saved over the past few years that help me feel somewhat validated, like maybe I’m doing ok at this whole parenting thing
A few weeks ago I read this article on Romper called 8 Thinks You’re Teaching Your Child When You Ignore A Tantrum and boy did it resonate with me. By ignoring him, often leaving him alone in a room if I can safely do so (ie if we’re at home), I’m hoping to teach him that his behavior won’t help him get what he wants. If I say no TV, and he screams and screams, the answer is still no TV. I don’t care if he does it for an hour. It’s not going to change my mind.
I am always checking on him to make sure he’s ok and safe, and I’m more than willing to hold him, encourage him to take deep breaths or give him a hug if he needs it, or talk about the problem once he calms down…but in the moment, I can tune out a meltdown with the best of them.
Of course, each tantrum is unique and I do vary my approach depending on the situation, especially if we’re out in public. That does NOT mean I give in when we’re in public just to keep him quiet. I still let him have his meltdowns in the grocery store or at the park…but if we are in an enclosed space or he’s disrupting a party or other gathering with his screams, I will typically remove him from the room and let him cry elsewhere.
In addition, I do my best to let him work through whatever is going on, without letting it affect my mood…but it doesn’t always work.
Let’s take yesterday as an example:
Yesterday I woke up to face day 3 of solo parenting as hubby was on a business trip. I had a sore throat and a headache and I was tired from staying up late to work after the kids went to bed. We were supposed to join our local moms group for a trip to a small farm not far from our house. I’ve been a member of this mom’s group since we moved a year ago but only went to a couple events last summer and then went on a bit of a hiatus after baby was born. So, this was pretty much a totally new group of moms and kids. As an introvert, putting myself out there to meet new people is hard for me, but it’s something I’ve been working on this year….so I got the kids up, ready to go and off we went to the farm.
Squish was excited when we got there, we introduced ourselves to a few people and things got started around 9am. Squish noticed some small tractors that he wanted to investigate. The rest of the group was heading in the opposite direction, towards the garden and chicken coop. I told him now was not the time for the tractors and we’d come back to them later. Instant meltdown.
Squish spent the majority of the next 45 minutes standing about 50 yards away from everyone else, screaming his head off while all the other kids listened politely, met the chickens, planted seeds in the garden, etc.
I wanted nothing more than to give in and let him do what he wanted so he would be quiet.
Does it suck when your kid is the one misbehaving? Yes.
Was it embarrassing for me that this was the first impression we were making on this new moms group? A little bit.
But I stuck with my philosophy and let him cry. When he calmed down and told me he wanted to go home, I did the following:
1) Asked him several times if he was sure. (Yes)
2) Told him about the things we would be doing soon like petting goats, riding a pony etc. (Don’t want to see pony. Want to go home)
3) Reminded him that if we went home, we wouldn’t be having a snack or watching a show. (Want to go home)
4) Put him and the baby in the car and went home.
When we got home, I gave him the option of playing with his toys or laying down in his bed. He screamed for another hour while sitting at the top of the stairs, and then laid down and took a 2 hours nap.
I used the time to finish a work project and re-read this article that I’d saved last week: The Train Analogy That Will Change How You See Your Child Crying.
If you’re a parent, definitely go read the article. Here’s what it says at the end:
So the next time your child is deeply frustrated, angry, or upset, remember what the job of a parent really is.
The job of a parent is to:
- Provide comfort through the frustration.
- Draw out our child’s cleansing tears.
- Show empathy to our child’s struggle.
- Allow the life lesson to be learned naturally—not through preaching.
- Support our child’s journey through the emotional tunnel.
The job of a parent is NOT to get our child to stop crying as quickly as possible. Tears are a sign of parental success, not failure.
When Squish woke up from his nap it was like we’d hit the reset button on the day and we were both refreshed and happier.
So the next time your toddler has a meltdown, try this:
- Let them cry. It’s not your job to get them quiet immediately. Move them to a different location if necessary but still give them time to work through it.
- Remind yourself that you’re not alone. Other parents have been in your shoes. Phone (or maybe text) a friend for moral support if needed.
- Remind yourself that ignoring a tantrum doesn’t make you a bad parent.
- Take a deep breath…or two…or five. Both of you will be ok. It can be hard to watch and listen to your child scream but it won’t last forever and they’re learning valuable lessons.
- When they’re done, give them a hug, talk about it and move on with your day!
I recognize that this approach might not work for everyone, and that’s ok. I’m certainly not a parenting expert…just an average mom doing the best I can.
But I wanted to share my experience in case it helps give someone out there some encouragement that they’re doing a great job as a parent, even if it’s hard and doesn’t always feel like it.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Wondering how to handle toddler meltdowns? Check out this approach!” quote=”Wondering how to handle toddler meltdowns? Check out this approach!”]
Enjoy!
–Lindsay–
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Oh how I needed to read this! We’re hitting peak tantrum and sometimes the constant wailing of two whiny toddlers makes me want to jump out the window. I love the part about not being a bad parent if you let your kids cry. I need to remind myself of that!
Thanks for sharing!
hang in there mama! it’s a tough age!
This article could not have come at a better time! Thank you! It is great to know every mom goes through this torture. Luckily this phase does not last forever. One day, we will look back on these tantrums and laugh…. one day…
you’re definitely not alone!
Thanks for sharing Lindsay!!!!! Hope today is a better day!
This is a great reminder of why I am sooooooooo not ready to have kids any time soon. LOL
I love the honesty in this post and also that you take photos of your kids crying. That’s real life and I so appreciate the truth. It is not easy! Sorry yesterday was rough but thanks so much for sharing this post!
no sugar coating it over here 🙂
A much needed article for me now. my 2.5 year old just had a meltdown a few hours back and it really is tough to not lose your mind at that time. I lose it often n then repent a few min later. Tough phase. But great article
Ahhh yes! When the pediatrician told us at their 1 year old visit “congratulations! you have toddlers, let the tantrums COMMENCE!” I was so not prepared! When I saw the train analogy article shared from two different sources in a few days, I knew I needed to read it and it has come in very handy this week with toddler twins. Just letting them cry, even though it breaks my heart, has been a shift in my approach, and I can tell the kiddos respond, when they’re ready, to the next step, whether it’s a hug, some food, or, usually, sleep time.
Kudos on surviving the single parenting while meltdowns are in full effect!
oh mama…toddler twins…hang in there!
I hope I am as good of a mother as you are some day linz! Yes, I so agree with it! <3
Oh how I needed this today! My 20 month old has for sure increased in the tantrums and we are trying to come up with the best ways to handle them. You bet your bottom the husband is going to get this forwarded to him and understand its OK TO LET HIM MELT DOWN!! He does a great job talking to him and working through it but often when we say “no mickey” and the fit starts he caves and wants to make it better. He doesn’t give in but will for sure engage him while I am beyond happy to let him cry!
Thanks for this super awesome breakdown and for sure great resources to look into!
you’re so welcome! no mickey is a killer isn’t it?! all mouse all the time around here 🙂
I have to just say that simply reading this article this morning (plus the links you provided, which were so helpful!), has already made a difference in my day! My 4 year old actually woke up crying today, which isn’t usual, but his temper tantrums and crying fits have become more frequent lately. So this was perfect timing! First, just being able to hear that there are other moms dealing with such similar toddler “situations” is comforting in itself. Second, it really validated the way I already felt about dealing with his tantrums. I have lately found myself losing patience, though, as it does get so hard sometimes when it seems like the crying will never end! But this post today has completely refreshed me and calmed me down! I was prepared when I went in his room to deal with the tears! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this and making others not feel “alone” – I have such a sweet child, but as I’m sure many moms would say about their kids, he’s going through a phase where sometimes the crying comes out of nowhere and there seems to be no end in sight! I also really enjoyed the “strong-willed” article – dealing with that is keeping my hands full right now, so this will be so helpful! Thank you thank you!
so glad to hear it mama! hope the rest of today went well for you!
Good article. Do you find your son acts up more when you take pictures or record his tantrums? Does it ever counteract ignoring him?
yes, occasionally. most of the time though he’s so focused on crying that nothing really phases him.
Our son is just a week or two younger than Chase, and we are going through the same thing with our strong willed (and sometimes quite grumpy) little guy. Our approach is the same as yours. Ignore the tantrum, check in on him to see if he’s ready to move on from it, and just let it happen. He is back to his happy and goofy self once he comes through the other side, and since sticking with this approach, I feel like there is progress. Standing my ground is SO difficult sometimes, but it feels so good when I can see that it’s working. (Or seems to be anyway.) It certainly wears on the patience, but I constantly remind myself that this is a stage, and we will all make it through just fine. I’m certainly not “happy” to read that you are going through this too, but it really does help to know that we aren’t alone!
we’re all in this together!!
Needed this! We both have strong-willed little fellas. When in the thick of a tantrum I try to remind myself that this attribute will eventually get them far in life — and this too shall pass. 🙂
haha yes. it will certainly come in handy. later 🙂
Oh man did I need this post today, yesterday and probably tomorrow! My son has been having some EPIC meltdowns and only after figuring out what kind of approach I wanted to use ( which is similar to yours in that I just ignore or go do whatever was planned, dinner, toys etc) then I find it has helped curb the tantrum. Before I would talk and talk trying to figure out what he needed only to realize this makes BOTH of us more upset and leads to more yelling then I’d like….
Thank you for your honesty because I know more parents deal with tantrums then we all let on, but they’re normal part of growing up and we all need all the help we can get!!!
Hang in there mama! Glad this approach is working better for you!
I personally love this and try to live by it- my LO is 3 and just started the whole tantrum thing recently. The caveat is that we live in a condo and have people that we need to be conscience of especially early in the morning, so sometimes we have to change direction to distract him, in a way that is not a treat, but also not give in to whatever the demand is.
Yeah there are definitely situations where you have to adjust!
Thank you, Thank You, Thank you for sharing!!! I have a wild child too- I have been trying to remove him from what he’s doing/has and if he melts down I stay strong and let him cry it off. This was so helpful and reassuring!
Thank you so much for sharing? My 2 year old is strong willed and are dealing with tantrums, thankfully more at home than out in public. I can be a challenge for sure. Loved ring your post and the articles you mentioned.
thanks for reading!
Thank you so so so much for sharing! You have no idea how encouraging this was to read. THANK YOU!
you’re so welcome!
Thank you! We are just entering this phase and is so hard to see him so upset. Plus we live with my folks and their panic/stress combined with his meltdown is extremely hard to take in all at once. I have learned to take him to our rooms and just let him have his meltdown, away from all the “helpful advice” on how to handle him. I really appreciated reading this and I have a mind to tape that bit about the “job of a parent” to my bathroom mirror.
A great read. We’ve just started the world of toddler meltdowns and have been trying to 0ush through them. It’s hard but hopefully worth it. How has it played out over time, we’re lessons learner and self control prevail?