Breastfeeding is challenging for any new mom. This is a reminder that it may not be the best choice for everyone, and that’s ok. Hi Friends!
Hi Friends!
Let’s get real today. Breastfeeding is hard. We’re going to talk about it. If that’s not your thing, you might want to skip this post and come back tomorrow. As you may know, I’ve been fairly sick ever since baby was born seven weeks ago. What you may not know is that all of the problems I’ve had so far have stemmed from breastfeeding. I wasn’t planning to document my experience, but i’ve decided to do so in hopes that it may help someone else in the future.
So here we go….
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, there was no doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed my baby. It wasn’t something I gave much thought to. I was familiar with the benefits for baby and mom and I didn’t really have any reasons NOT to do it. With that mindset, Hubby and I attended a breastfeeding class at the hospital. After getting a pretty comprehensive overview, I expected a few challenges, like there typically are when you try something new, but I was not at all prepared for how hard it would be for me- both physically and emotionally.
While we were in the hospital, I nursed exclusively. Things got off to a poor start right away because baby had a bad latch. Even with the class under my belt, I didn’t really know what a good latch was and by the time I saw the lactation consultant, he’d already done some damage to my nipples.
He was born early Wednesday morning, we left the hospital on Thursday, and on Saturday morning we headed to the pediatrician for his first appointment. I was still exclusively nursing but my milk hadn’t come in yet. We learned that baby was jaundiced. I had to start pumping to try to get my milk to come in and we had to supplement with formula to get him to start peeing and pooping more to help the jaundice. I pumped all day Saturday and Sunday, and by Sunday afternoon my milk had come in. I continued to nurse but was still in severe pain due to the nipple trauma.
I went to see a lactation consultant again on Tuesday. I was pretty sure i’d fixed his bad latch but wanted to make sure I was doing things right. By this time, the lactation consultant said the damage was some of the worst she’d seen and we tried using a nipple shield, but Chase didn’t like it and wasn’t sucking hard enough to get much out when we used it. She sent over a recommendation for Jack Newman’s Nipple Ointment to my OB so I could get the prescription and help them heal.
At this point I wasn’t feeling well at all and Wednesday afternoon (one week after he was born), I took a nap and woke up with a fever of 102 degrees. I was pretty sure I had mastitis, an infection caused by plugged milk ducts. It was too late in the day to go to my OB so I went to urgent care. Due to a drug allergy I have, I was given a z pack instead of the typical drug they treat mastitis with. The next week or so was a blur. I remember crying in the shower because I was so miserable. I had a high fever for several days and had to pump because my nipples still hurt too much to nurse. My supply was low from the beginning and got even lower since I was feverish and had no appetite. I resorted to eating lots of oreos, snack crackers and m&ms just to try to get the calories I needed.
Week 2: A few days after I started the zpack I started having symptoms of yeast. I was giving medicine to treat that and luckily baby didn’t get thrush. Two days after I finished the zpack, my fever came back. I went back to the OB and they started me on Cipro, another antibiotic, for 7 days to make sure the mastitis was cleared up. I switched back to nursing as soon as my nipples healed enough to make it less painful.
Week 3: I still wasn’t feeling well at all. I spent almost all of my time on the couch. I continued to nurse Chase but we also continued to supplement with formula. I finished the Cipro the day before Thanksgiving.
Week 4: The Friday after Thanksgiving, my fever came back again. It was lower grade- 99.5- but of course it came back after hours. I called the OB on call for the weekend and she prescribed me Keflex, the antibiotic I probably should have gotten in the first place. It’s partially reactive with a drug I’m allergic to, but since my reaction isn’t super severe, she said it was worth a try. At this point, the lump where the mastitis infection was originally flared up again on one breast and I’d developed a super painful lump on the other breast as well. I went back to the OB yet again, where I was told I had plugged ducts and I need to try to unplug them. I tried everything- including standing in the shower and letting hot water run over it while pressing and pushing as hard as I could from the outer edge, over the lump and towards the center of the breast. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever done and I did it on both breasts 4 days in a row, while crying from the pain. Each day I was able to get milk to express, but I was never sure if I was unplugging them or if I was expressing another duct in the same area. The lumps didn’t get any better and I was referred to a breast specialist.
Week 5: I went to OB for my post-partum checkup on Tuesday. Everything looked good except the problems I was already having. The OB helped me get in sooner with the specialist and she determined that I had two abscesses that needed to be drained. She numbed the area and then used a needle and syringe to remove a bunch of pus from each one. It helped a little bit with the pain initially. Abscesses are one of the most serious breastfeeding problems that can happen to a woman who gets mastitis- lucky me. Before I left the specialist, I made an appointment to come back Friday and get them rechecked.
It’s not uncommon for them to refill, which mine did. In that case, you have to get them surgically drained. I had to move up my appointment to Thursday because one hurt so bad I couldn’t sleep. I got it drained again and after they cultured it, found out it contained non-resistant staph. The two antibiotics it was most sensitive to are the same ones I’m allergic to, so I was put back on Keflex and given pain meds. I was told that if the antibiotics didn’t work this time i’d likely have to stay at the hospital a day or two to get IV antibiotics. The pain got worse and worse, and since this was the second time it had been drained, I had a bit of a breakdown Thursday night because it still hurt so bad. I started pumping to give my boobs a break… plus baby kept jostling and hitting the infected area which was super painful.
Friday I woke up feeling terrible. The infected area was red hot, I had body aches and chills and felt like I had a fever, but I didn’t. I even broke down and took Percocet that they had prescribed me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and really don’t like taking meds so this was a pretty big deal. That afternoon I went back to the specialist. Hubby came along to this appointment, because he was already worried and I hadn’t been improving. We talked through our options with the doc, which included either going to the hospital or having her make a 1 inch incision and try to drain out as much of the infection as possible. Hubby had a dental procedure done that morning that involved grafting some skin from the roof of his mouth and attaching it to his receding gum line, so he was miserable as well, and I wanted to try to avoid going to the hospital. She said the incision would likely be the quickest way to start feeling better anyway, so we decided to try the incision to drain it.
She numbed me up, made the cut and started draining…and draining…and draining. SO much nasty stuff came out. Hubby (with Chase in his arms) watched and said that it was several ounces at least. The doctor just kept saying she couldn’t believe how much was coming out and told us it was probably about the size of a lemon.. I left with instructions to care for the incision which involved removing the “packing” (a gauze like string) it was packed with, pressing and squeezing around the incision to get more pus out, pouring hydrogen peroxide in it and then re-packing the incision each day for the next three days. I was terrified about how much that would hurt. The doctor told us there was still a chance i’d need the IV antibiotics, but that she felt good that so much stuff came out when she made the cut. She would have been more worried if she’d cut and very little had come out.
Saturday morning I woke up, took some pain killers, gave them an hour or so to kick in and then we tended to the incision. Hubby pulled out the packing, I took a shower, squeezed more junk out, poured hydrogen peroxide in it and then hubby carefully packed it again (oh the joys of marriage!) The point of the packing is to keep it from closing up too soon so it can keep draining. It was painful, but manageable and besides the pain of the incision I felt a lot better than I had the previous day. We spent the day laying around not doing much of anything.
Sunday afternoon I started to feel crappy again and by evening my fever was back. I called the breast specialist who told me I needed to go to the hospital for iv antibiotics but that I could wait until morning unless my fever spiked. We didn’t know what to do with the baby, so I called my parents for help, and bless their hearts, they drove through the night to get here as fast as possible.
Monday morning I called my OB’s office to try to get set up to direct admit me to the hospital and they had me come in to their office. After seeing me, they decided to only increase the dose of antibiotics I was on instead of sending me to the hospital because things seemed to be healing.
Tuesday morning I felt even worse but I toughed it out because I had an appointment with the specialist that afternoon. My mom drove me and the doctor checked the abscess and ended up draining it again. By this point, we decided enough was enough and I needed to go to the hospital. So we headed home, I packed a bag, hubby left work, and came home to drive me to the hospital. The doctor told me I’d probably be there 24 hours, no more than 48. After I was admitted, they started the IV. I ended up having an allergic reaction to vancomycin, the first drug they tried, so they stopped the meds while the doctors consulted about what to try next.
Week 6: Wednesday morning I talked to the infectious disease doctor. After getting up to speed on everything that had been going on, he decided on the next iv med to try – Daptomycin. I got one dose around lunchtime and then it was basically a waiting game to see if it worked. Meanwhile, I had to keep draining the incision (pus continued to come out) and pump every few hours. They also cultured the incision to check for bacteria. Hubby was wonderful and came to keep me company before work, at lunch and every night after work.
Thursday morning I was given another dose of the antibiotics and I squeezed more junk out. The ID doctor came back to check on me. He told me nothing was growing in the culture yet, which was good. In addition, the hard area of the abscess around the incision had decreased in size from the previous day, so the antibiotics seemed to be working. He told me that I could probably go home, but that I would need a PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line so that I could continue IV meds at home over the weekend. OR, I could stay one more night, get another dose via IV in the morning and then potentially go home and switch to pill antibiotics. Even though I really wanted to go home, I opted to stay one more night and see how things looked in the morning.
Friday morning I saw my OB at the hospital and she ordered an ultrasound to make sure there were no more pockets of fluid that needed to be drained. I saw the infectious disease doctor who told me there was no chance I was going home on pill antibiotics, but that I could go home with a PICC line.
Squish had his six week doctor’s appointment and I was heartbroken that I couldn’t be there, especially since he was getting shots…so hubby face-timed me in once he got to the office.
Technology is awesome. Baby is growing like a champ. He’s in the 98th percentile for height – 24 1/4 inches and the 95th percentile for weight – 13 pounds, 6 ounces. The rest of the day seemed to take forever but they finally came and put the PICC line in that afternoon.
The top one is the PICC line that stays in at home and the bottom one is the one they used in the hospital and took out that afternoon. They didn’t take me to get my ultrasound until around 4:00pm and then by the time the results were read, the case management workers were gone for the day so I couldn’t be discharged. I needed to be set up with a home health nurse who could give us all the supplies we needed and show us how to administer the meds. I had a little breakdown and cried for a while because I missed my baby so badly and then started counting the hours until I could get out of there. We face-timed with squish to make me feel better.
Saturday, after a few hold-ups, we were FINALLY able to go home. They weren’t able to verify our insurance on a weekend, so we had to agree to pay for a day of home healthcare if it ended up not being covered. They also found another abscess on the ultrasound on Friday that needed to be drained, but luckily they were able to do it with a needle before we left and didn’t have to make another incision. It was SO good to be home.
Sunday I still wasn’t feeling well. Luckily my parents stuck around for a few more days so I was able to sleep in and take a 4 hour nap. We also had the home health nurse come out and teach hubby how to give the IV meds.
Monday I woke up feeling a TINY bit better. I saw my OB again and she said she thought that the recent draining of the second abscess would help alot and I should be feeling a little better each day. Tuesday I improved a little more. Wednesday I went back to the breast specialist who told me I could stop packing the incision so it could heal faster.
So here we are in week 7. I finally feel like I’m on the mend. I’m feeling a tiny bit better each day but still far from good. I lost all my pregnancy weight by the end of the first week after baby was born but over the next six weeks, I lost 15 more pounds because I felt so sick and miserable and had no appetite…so now I’m trying to regain strength and gain some weight back. Hubby has to give me my IV antibiotics via my PICC line for another 2 weeks before I can get it removed.
————
So what about breastfeeding? When I was admitted to the hospital, I made the decision to stop. I was so tired of being sick, feeling crappy, having a fever and dreading every feeding. So after much deliberation, lots of tears and some long talks with doctors, hubby and close friends and family, I made my decision.
The point of me telling you all of this isn’t to make you feel bad for me. It’s to help you realize that breastfeeding is really hard. Sure there are many women who are able to breastfeed without major issues- the baby latches from the get go, it’s not painful, they have few problems…they just enjoy bonding with their baby…and are able to breastfeed for as long as they desire. And I think that’s wonderful for them. I thought I would BE one of them. There are also women who have significant struggles and still stick it out. More power to them- that’s great as well.
There are also women like me who have significant struggles and decide to stop.
The thing is, we don’t often hear the stories of women who struggle. Before I got pregnant I felt like all I really knew were women who breastfed their babies. I was SHOCKED when I started talking to some of my close friends and realized how many of them had struggled as well. That’s the reason I’m sharing my story. So that if you’re reading this and struggling, you know that you’re not alone. There are tons of women out there who struggled, are struggling or will struggle as well. And if breastfeeding doesn’t work out for you, it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman. It’s ok.
I’m sure there are people out there who will judge me. Who will tell me I could have done something differently or that I shouldn’t have given up. But that’s ok. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it as long as I did, and I’d much rather feed with formula and enjoy time with my baby then continue to breastfeed and be sick and miserable, just because society makes me feel like I should. At a certain point, I decided that being healthy for my baby is far more important than where his calories are coming from.
I still struggle a little with the fact that I’m no longer breastfeeding. It makes me sad because I believe it is such a wonderful, natural thing. But, as a mom, we always want to do what’s best for our baby and in my case that means forgoing breastfeeding so that I can be happy and healthy and the best mom possible.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
–Lindsay–
PS. I appreciate that many people have strong opinions about this topic and I’m in no way saying my decision is right for everyone, just that it’s right for me. I’m all for respectful discussion, but please keep the rude/mean/hateful comments to yourself.
Get my free Table Talk email series where I share bite-sized nutrition information about carbs, protein, and fat, plus bonus information about snacks and sugar!
Well, your son is obviously thriving. Thanks for sharing your story. It is really a charged subject and every woman has to make the decision that is best for her and her child. You certainly went above and beyond in your efforts. I’m happy you’re feeling a little better, and I hope you are fully recovered soon.
thanks debbie! i appreciate it!
What a whirlwind, to say the least! You are so strong. It’s awesome that you’re sharing your story to be of comfort and assurance to other mothers struggling with breastfeeding. So glad to see that Chase is doing well and that you’re on the mend. Keeping you in my prayers!
Ditto what Debbie said. I could write a book of my thoughts but I won’t, lol. I am so sorry you had to go through this. 🙁 The pain at the beginning, especially with the first child is so unexpected, but then add in a few problems and wow, no one can prepare you for that! I’ve had a plugged duct once and all I can say is oh my gosh, I CAN NOT IMAGINE how painful this was for you. You’re one tough cookie. Now go eat some cookies and get your weight back! 😉 Hugs
cookies for sure! good thing it’s the holidays 🙂
Oh Lindsay! I’m so so sorry that you’ve gone through so much with this and glad to hear that you are feeling better. Breastfeeding IS hard. It seems like the most natural thing to do but I was so surprised at how hard it was and how many people struggle. It’s such a charged topic and so tied to our identity as a woman and mother but every woman needs to make the decision that is right for her, her child and her family. Thinking of you and ohmygosh Squish is so cute!
thanks friend!
Oh my gosh, that sounds like such an awful experience! I’m glad you are starting to feel better and able to be at home.
I’m one of those people who struggled. The start sounded like me, except my nipples weren’t damaged, and my son was ok with the nipple shield. By week 6 I was without the shield, no more pumping, etc…just regular breastfeeding. It was a relief, but would have been even harder to continue if I had gone through your experience. You made the best decision for your family, and you should feel proud that you could make the hard choice. There will be other hard choices, so just trust yourself because you sound like a great mom. 🙂
thanks aly! i’m so glad it worked out for you!
Thanks for sharing. Wow, you have been through so much, and I’m hopeful that each day you’re feeling better.
I just have to share that even though it’s been 14.5 years since I had my first baby, it’s so true that you don’t realize how hard breastfeeding is or the struggles people have with it until you’re there. And some people just make it seem so easy. It’s NOT easy. I gave up quickly with my first (mostly due to work and the lack of support). With my second, it was hard but did get easier around the 2 month mark though I did not require hospitalization like you, but the baby had serious/critical issues down the road that required me to pump exclusively for month 6-9, and I didn’t do well with the pump at all. With my third after the issues for the first 2 months, we got easier. At month 8 just when I was feeling like I could nurse her forever, I had to quit cold turkey due to a serious medical issue for me. If you just quit cold turkey, watch out for massive engorgement with some fever possibly. OH MY!!! Anyhow, I share my experience just to say that I learned that while breastfeeding is so good for the baby when it’s taking away from your bond with the baby or your health to where you can’t care for yourself or the baby, it’s not the best thing. I was on the operating table when the baby’s doctor was on the PA telling me that I had given the baby so much of myself and that formula was really going to be okay. I felt like such a failure. Yes, I was judged by many and some days I really beat myself up. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter what others say or think, because you’re his mom and your health and relationship with him are so valuable.
thanks christi, i appreciate it!
I am so sorry you have been through all of this! Thank you so much for sharing this story. I’m sure it will help a lot of women out there who have also had difficulty breastfeeding. You are an amazing mom!!
thank you! i hope so!
I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. I know this doesn’t make it better, but your little boy is so adorable!!
-Ashley
thanks ashley 🙂
MOST important thing is happy healthy mom and baby (and wife of course!!) havinga tough time with this myself I TOTALLY respect you – YOU DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST AND that’s that 🙂
thanks sarah!
OH my goodness, you poor thing. I had tears in my eyes reading this. That is above and beyond! In our world and our culture, there are so many choices, and seriously bottle or breast- both are good. The important thing is the bond between the parents and baby. Food is just food, the baby will thrive because of how you are caring for him.
I nursed 3 babies from a few weeks to a few months. It is hard. It isn’t all that fun. There is nothing all that magical about it. You hung in there WAY beyond what most people would! You are and your hubby should get badges of honor! WOW.
I hope you can now enjoy your holidays- no stress, you do what you WANT to do: now be vigilant to keep sick people out of your house so you can recover properly! 🙂 hugs to you
i agree! nothing magical about it for me 🙂
Wow I cannot even imagine all the struggles you are going through but thanks for sharing Lindsay. I am glad you are enjoying being a mother and your baby is lucky to have you.
aww thanks hollie!
What a brave and honest post! I am so glad that you wrote this. I actually had my first baby (also a boy!) 5 weeks ago and it is very helpful to read honest posts like yours about the challenges of being a new mother, including breastfeeding. I didn’t experience the issues you did with breastfeeding but I had challenges from the beginning, mainly the baby having a poor latch. Plus, I had to have an emergency C-section so my pain from the surgery made it that much harder to give 100% of my energy to care for my baby and my milk didn’t come in until about day 5. Seeing the lactation consultants in the hospital was somewhat helpful at that time but once we got home, it was like the real world set in. Trying to get a baby that was crying and fussing like crazy to properly latch just wasn’t working well. I finally had another breastfeeding specialist come to my house and had some sessions with her. It was very helpful, mainly because she helped me in a very non-judgemental way. So now, his latch is still not perfect but it is certainly better and I don’t dread nursing him quite as much. Like you, before I was pregnant, I knew for sure that I would breastfeed when I had my first baby. But I couldn’t believe how truly hard it would be. For now, my plan is to hopefully make it to 6 months with breastfeeding and then reevaluate from there. Even though as a dietitian, I know all of the health, nutrition, and other benefits, it is still challenging at times.
Again, thank you for sharing your experience. And I wish you a very speedy recovery! Your baby is a cutie, too 🙂
thanks olena! so sorry to hear about your struggles as well. hope it works out for you!
I think you are amazing for sticking it out as long as you did. Clearly Squish is getting the nutrition he needs and I totally respect your decision to stop. How can you care for your son if youre sick all the time!? Baby would much rather have you healthy and happy (and definitely out of the hospital). It’s great you have such a wonderful support system in place and NO ONE should make you feel bad about your decision. Hope you are feeling better and enjoy Baby’s First Christmas 🙂
thanks so much jess!
Oh jeeze, sorry you had to go through with this, you are one tough lady. I nursed all 3 of mine and have had so many breast infections I can’t even remember the count — the worst being with an abscessed infection that had to be drained and also forced me to stop nursing . . . not quite as bad as what you’re describing, no home health and major weight loss. Please take of yourself!
ugh. sorry to hear that! abscesses are the worst!
you did the best thing for YOU and your family linz. You amaze me! so strong and a fighter. Keep it real here, we are always here for YOU!
Oh, Lindsay–what an ordeal for you! And I can only imagine that you were feeling horribly guilty throughout it, too, even though you had no reason to–it’s just a mama thing. I think you absolutely made the right decision and I also think it’s great that you are sharing your story. So many people assume it’s an easy, straightforward process and it often isn’t. Hang in there!
i agree. definitely not straightforward! thanks amanda!
Hi Lindsay! I’m a fellow RD and had a similar problem when I was breast feeding. It wasn’t nearly as bad but had the drainage and antibiotics for what seemed like forever. Kudos to you for sharing your story. And happy you made the decision that was best for you and your baby.
sorry to hear you struggled as well! thanks for the support!
We must have been on the same wave-length or something… both posting about breastfeeding today!! You have been to hell and back IMO!!! As if pregnancy and labor aren’t enough!! Squish is a happy, healthy baby thanks to mom and dad! Now all he needs is mom to be healthy too! Take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place… or so they say 😉 xo.
thanks friend 🙂
I just want to give you a big (but gentle) hug. You’ve been through so much.
Sending lots of healing vibes. Your son is adorable.
Oh Lindsay I am so sorry you’ve been through all this. I’m sure this was an especially painful experience given the fact that you’re a dietitian. I had a good friend who is a dietitian who had to stop breastfeeding earlier than she planned and felt so incredibly guilty about it. I’ll tell you the same thing I told her – breastfeeding is just ONE of the ways to nurture your child. Nourishing them from childhood to adulthood, being a happy, healthy and present mother adds up to a lot more! Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts!
thanks rachael. that’s so true! it’s just one part.
Ohmygosh! I cannot believe you lasted as long as you did, Lindsay, and I cannot imagine anyone thinking differently. What an ordeal! My sister had a similar struggle (not nearly as difficult as yours!) and cannot breastfeed, either. She was also sad about it but sometimes it’s out of your control- and thank goodness for the option of formula! I hope you start feeling MUCH better in the coming days and weeks!!
I am incredibly amazed at how strong you are, Lindsay. I don’t think there is any way I would have even tried or thought to continue after any of that started from the get go. Thanks so much for sharing your story on this – as scary as it is!!
thanks girl!
You are an awesome Mama Linds! I’m proud of you for sticking with it as long as you did. Your little man is going to grow up healthy and strong regardless of whether or not you breastfeed. The love, time, and attention you feed him is much more important!
thanks friend! appreciate it!
I am so sorry you went through all that! Breastfeeding is so, so hard, even when it goes relatively well. I am a breastfeeding advocate, but I’m more of an advocate for whatever works best for mom, baby, and family. As long as baby is fed and loved you’re doing a fantastic job of being his mom.
P.S. He’s absolutely adorable! I’m glad you’re feeling better and getting to enjoy him in this stage!
thanks so much jessie!
I don’t know how anyone could leave a hateful comment on this…you are a good mom doing the best you can. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You & your hubby are definitely a good team…keep it up! 🙂
agreed. he’s the best!
I can’t imagine anyone even the strongest BF supporters saying anything negitive to what you just went through and your decision. I am amazed that you were able to have any kind of supply with being as sick as you were. It sounded like you had great support from your family, lactation nurses, doctors and specialists. When you have your first baby you can feel very alone with what you are going through so thank you for writing this as it may really help someone else to know that they are not alone. Chase is adorable and thriving, you are doing a great job!
definitely couldn’t have done it without my support system!
Thanks for sharing Lindsay! As a fellow RD, I agree we learn all about the benefits and why we should promote breast feeding but we don’t learn about the risks or how hard it can be. I think it’s great if you to share your story!! Feel better soon!
i know! we need to learn the other side!
Amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing. You have been through hell and back–you are such a strong mama.. You made the right decision for you and your family and that is all that matters.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I cried while reading it because although the physical pain sounds terrible, I can’t imagine how hard this was on an emotional level. I live in Italy where women are EXPECTED to breastfeed…doctors don’t even offer you another option when you give birth, so there is a lot of pressure. I had serious physical problems during the birth of my daughter and was in the ICU following her birth for a few days. Fortunately I made a full recovery but decided not to breastfeed because I felt I needed to focus my energy on regaining my health and strength to be there for my daughter. Physically I knew the was the right decision for me but on an emotional level it was very difficult to make due to the pressures I felt from society but also the pressure I put on myself. In the end I am glad I made this decision because it was the right one for me and my child. I would have loved to have bonded through breastfeeding but in the end I was grateful for my health and my child and we bonded in other ways. Glad to hear you are better, enjoy this previous time with your son.
thanks elisa! sounds like quite a struggle for you as well! sounds like we both made the right decision!
Kudos to you for sharing such a personal story! You have no idea the impact you will have by doing so. Society makes a person feel they have to do things a certain way. Awesome job to you for realizing that it is about what is best for your family and no one else!
thanks sue!
I teared up reading this at just the thought of how agonizingly hard this must be for you. The emotions of caring for an infant without breastfeeding problems are tough enough. You are a great mom and Squish is thriving; you are doing right by him. Sending you gentle hugs, stay positive and take care of yourself!
thanks meg! appreciate it!
TRUTH GIRLFRIEND! Breastfeeding is HARD!!! I hate that women have to defend themselves on not breastfeeding, live and let live! Gosh! Chase is doing great! It’s like a saying I saw that I think if often: “if only women were as nice to each other as they are in line for the bathroom at a bar” you’ve been through breastfeeding hell and back, and I’m so glad you are feeling better. All sorts of hugs and kisses to you and your family, I teared up when you mentioned your family driving through the night! You never stop being a mom 😉
couldn’t agree more! we all could be a little nicer!
Hi Lindsay. Tears are running down my face as I read your post. I understand the disappointment of not being able to breastfeed. My son was born a year ago (today!) and I struggled with breastfeeding from the beginning. My milk never came in despite meds, pumping, lactation consultants, etc I never produced more than 4that oz or so. My son was born early and small and also was jaundiced so he needed the nutrition and hydration. We had to supplement with formula within the first week. I am also an RD and was devastated about not beong able to breastfeed! However, I did not struggle with the infection an d illness that you have. I cannot imagine. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so glad you have a supportive family and husband, as did I. Thank you for sharing your story. Before I went through my struggles, I did not know there were other women out there who have similar stories. I can tell you that my son is a year old and the happiest sweetest thing ever. I never believed it when people told me, but hang in there! It does get better and easier. Blessings, Emilie
so sorry to hear about your struggles Emillie! I appreciate the support and am so glad to hear things are going well for you now!
While I have no personal experience on the topic, I was with my sister through both of her kiddos and she struggled so much as well! So brave of you to share your story and I am certain you have and will help so many women. Thinking of you, love! Hoping for quick healing xoxo
thanks girl. appreciate it!
Breastfeeding is VERY hard! I had lots of latching & nipple issues, with lots of pain & tears. But nothing as bad as what you went through. So happy you are over all the pain!
You made the decision that was best for you and your family and that is what’s important 🙂
thanks natalie!!
We all need to do what’s best for us and our baby. Your decision is the perfect one for you and Squish. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough time of it. It’s all uphill from here! Xo
thanks friend!
Even though we have been in touch, I wanted to thank you for sharing this journey. As a loyal follower, I was so worried when you posted that you were checking into the hospital. You have been through so much. You are amazing for giving it your best (and then some!) under some extremely difficult circumstances and for making a decision that is best for you, your baby and your family. In the end that is all that matters!! I hope you continue to feel better and stronger each day so that you can enjoy your thriving baby boy!
thanks so much jill! i appreciate your positive thoughts and support!
Lindsay, I am SO sorry that you had to go through that all. I did NOT expect to hear a story like this. I especially don’t think you even have to explain in any way why you stopped either (but it is super supportive to other moms out there)! You are one strong lady and I think you did amazing things for your baby. I still sit here in shock at all you went through. Thank you for sharing your story, as hard as it must have been to tell it.
thanks char!
Lindsay- there are no words to express how much empathy I have for you. My first born has a birth defect inside his septum that we didn’t know about. He screamed every time he came near my breast. It was one of the most heartbreaking experiences– four years later we found out he had the birth defect and couldn’t breath on his side, and eventually discovered he has epilepsy. After that nightmare, I had twins! I didn’t make enough milk for both of them and after a few short weeks, stopped nursing my son who was rapidly loosing weight. People might judge me, but I wasn’t going to let my baby starve. I look back and although it was heartbreaking, my bond with my sons is no less strong than with my daughter who breastfed. In fact, somedays it’s stronger! I tell you this to give you hope under a very stressful and difficult circumstance. Know that I am on my knees praying for you guys, and that I am wrapping my arms around you right now. There might not be any words to comfort you… I understand that, just know that I care about you so much, and that I am deeply sorry you are going through so much. xoxoxo
thanks friend! appreciate it!
What a physical and emotional stress this has been on you–bravo for sharing your story for the purpose of helping and reassuring other moms, and bravo for making a decision that was right for you and for your baby. Your health matters, your wellbeing matter, your sanity matters, and your baby will thrive because you’re not only nourishing him but because he is also surrounded by people who love him deeply and want to do the best for him. I hope this post reaches many other moms who have struggled or are struggling with this!
Holy cow. My second baby had a poor latch at first and I had some nipple damage. When I read that part of your post I cringed in pain for you. I remember all too well what that felt like.
I had mastitis once and it was miserable. I can’t even imagine the pain you were in.
Decisions about how we raise our babies are hard. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, religion, private or public schools….it never, ever ends. Healthy and happy parents and kids is always the end goal. Hopefully in a few days you can put all of the misery behind you and enjoy your beautiful munchkin.
i agree. that’s the goal for me too!
So happy you shared this — I’m not there yet, but it’s so important for women to know they aren’t alone. You are so strong, and your baby is beyond perfect. Feel better!! xoxox
i agree! hoping to spread the word!
Lindsay,
Thank you SO much for sharing your experience. Know that it has already touched, connected with and helped MANY. My son is 2 weeks old today and we have struggled with breastfeeding since day 1 and more tears have been shed than I ever expected. Breastfeeding is definitely not inherent, but a learned skill that takes a lot of work. You are an awesome Mommy to precious Chase. Have a great weekend!!!
oh girl! hang in there. i hope it works out for you! but if it doesn’t, i hope this post helps you realize you’re not alone!
Just want to give hugs to you. What a really tough time to go thru, especially when you just want to bond w your baby. So sorry you had to go through this. Good for you for making the right decision. As a mom of twins I know how hard breastfeeding can be for so many moms. I have heard some really tough times, but have to say yours is the worst. I hope things get back to normal for you now, or I guess the new normal lol with baby Chase!
thanks Erika!
I’m just sitting here with my mouth open thinking…”how did she make it through all of this?”
You are one of the strongest people I know and while I wish I could take all of this away from you, please know that I am sending you my very best wishes (you and Squish who is an absolute charmer).
thanks so much katy 🙂 i appreciate it!
Good grief, lady! What a horrible past few weeks you’ve had, I would’ve never guessed it was this bad from your pics and updates. So glad to hear you’re finally doing a bit better. While I have literally no comparable experience, I dealt with MRSA abscesses 3 times this past year (on my face nonetheless) and they were some of the most painful things I’ve ever had in my life so I can only imagine how you must’ve felt. Healing vibes coming your way 🙂
ugh…any kind of abscess is no fun! sending healing thoughts right back at ya girl!
What a trooper you are and such an inspiring story. I had a friend tell me there is only 1 rule and that is “feed and love the baby,” however you do that is up to you! You’re doing amazing!
i love that rule 🙂
After going through recurrent mastitis and knowing how terrible that was, I honestly can’t imagine the degree of pain and suffering you went through with with, and I’m so sorry this happened. I’m happy that this will all be in the past soon enough! I too had no idea a person could get so sick with breast feeding related problems.
crazy isn’t it? thanks michele!
Hi Lindsay, I came across this post through another blog that I follow and am making a mental note to continue following you for a number of reasons that I found while reading this. You are amazing for sharing this and for having the fortitude to go through this and handle it like you did. Being a medical profession always makes these kinds of decisions more complex because of the need to act what your preach to patients you care for. I had issues breastfeeding my son when he was born and it definitely is not something I openly talk about with colleagues because of the inevitable reproach for “quitting” like I did. Thank you for sharing this. I’ts really inspirational and very telling of the type of person you must be.
Also your baby is freakin’ adorable!
Thanks so much Liz! I appreciate the support and am so glad you stopped by!
no mean or hateful comments here! i love you! you’re amazing! and I’m SO glad you’re starting to feel better!!!
thanks friend!
I knew you were having these struggles but when you read about them together in one comprehensive post, I can’t imagine there would be ANYTHING else you could have done – I would have quit long before you did. In the end, you have to keep yourself healthy to be the best mom you can be to Chase and that’s what you chose to do.
I’m so so glad you shared this – like you said – you see and hear about everyone breastfeeding and think “oh it’s so easy for them” but there’s always a story. I actually produced too much milk – which never in a million years had I heard that being an issue but it was because I was basically drowning Mia when she tried to nurse (it was like turning a garden hose into her mouth.) And then she started refusing the bottle 2 months in – so many sleepless days/nights trying bottle boot camp, crying nonstop – worrying how the heck I could ever leave her if she wouldn’t take a bottle.
So again, it was so brave of you to share but I know your words will be so very helpful to the huge audience you have by sharing your story so openly and honestly. Sending healthy + positive healing vibes your way.
thanks deanna! i appreciate the support!
Lindsay, you are a trooper for lasting as long as you did. I lasted about the same with both of my boys and I didn’t have nearly the struggle that you did. I wasn’t good at it, the boys weren’t good at it, and although they say it’s a great bonding experience, I found shouting “take the F&^king nipple” at my child while bawling my eyes out wasn’t quite the bonding experience I was looking for. When at my 6 week check up my OB told me she lasted 3 days, she was the first person who made it seem like it would be okay to stop. Deciding to stop was the right decision for me. Gazing into his beautiful blue eyes while he enjoyed his bottle was such a better bonding experience! I wish you a speedy recovery. Squish is just too cute Enjoy!!
haha oh cathy… i know exactly the feeling. it was so frustrating sometimes!
Lindsay,
I applaud you for your willingness to share your story with all of us, especially with the unfair stigma that is often imposed on mothers and their choices on how to feed their children (be it medical or matter of preference). I will be having my own little boy in about 3 weeks and have followed your story all along. I will be as candid with you as you’ve been with all of us – I am petrified to breastfeed. I have heard so many horror stories of pain, depression, sickness, need for medical intervention all because of something that is supposed to be natural. I don’t have one friend who hasn’t struggled and wound up a happier and more active mom once their baby was on formula. That goes for baby as well – all of their children have had a happier and calmer disposition as well at that point. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing when it works for mother and baby – my own mother was able to do it for me – but it is not a perfect fit for everyone for numerous reasons. No one should shame anyone into doing it or continuing to do it, especially if it isn’t the healthiest option for mother and baby. I’m going out on a limb stating my own feelings here and I’m hoping I don’t get slammed for them, but I feel that you have been willing to go out on a limb with your honesty for us so the same should be done for you in turn. I am so happy to hear that you are on the mend and that things are progressing nicely for you and baby Chase. Happy Holidays to you and your beautiful new family of three 🙂
thanks amanda! best of luck to you! i hope it works out for you but if it doesn’t, just know you’re not alone!
Wow, Linds! What a rough few weeks! I’m so glad you’re on the mend and so sorry you had to go through all of that! Thank goodness for those wonderful grandparents (who I’m sure had no trouble hanging out with that cutie, Chase)!! Sending many hugs to you guys! 🙂
thanks girl!
Thanks for sharing your story. I would have made the same decision. It’s so important to talk openly & honestly about medical issues. I applaud you & I’m sure you will be helping others. Hope you are feeling better! <3
thanks! i hope so!
What a great post! My friend just had a baby and has been struggling so much and it’s so nice to have other people share their stories because like you said I don’t think we talk about our struggles with breastfeeding like we should. Breast is best if it is RIGHT for you no matter what..and no one should be made to feel bad about any choices they make, as long as it is good for you and your baby that is right decision. I applaud you for writing your struggles down and I am so happy to hear you are starting to feel better!
xo
thanks fiona! i appreciate it
I had to comment and send virtual hugs. I had tears in my eyes reading about your struggle. I too was sent back to the hospital after birth. I struggled with high blood pressure following a 37-day hospital stay for preeclampsia prior to the birth. I know how emotionally draining and overwhelming it is when you’re not feeling well and just want to bond with your baby. I’m sooo glad to hear things are getting better. I’ll be thinking of you and sending your lots of positive thoughts for a fast recovery.
oh you poor thing! it’s so hard! thanks for the positive thoughts!
Oh my heart warms for you! Many of the early issues you had I did as well having a big 9lb6oz boy by C-section. It was difficult and because of his size I had to supplement with formula too because I wasn’t producing enough milk. It worked out but just from that small experience, I realized that every pregnancy, delivery, baby and parenting is different and in no way wrong – just tailored to what you, baby and your family needs. You did what was right for you and that cutie Squish and that is all that matters!
thanks kelly!
Hey girl! Thanks for sharing your story. I am also passionate about wanting to breastfeed, but scared because it’s something new and I know that it may not work or be as easy as I would like. Thank you for being so open and sharing. I hope you are feeing better each day. Would you recommend a lactation class to other new mothers who want to breast feed?
i’d definitely take a class! but i’d also read stories and talk to other moms so you can see how different it is for everyone. i wasn’t prepared at all for all the things that could go wrong and i think if i’d at least been familiar with them before they happened, that would have helped a lot! let me know if you ever have any questions i can help with!
Oh my goodness…thank you for sharing. Hope you are feeling better. Glad you have such a strong support system.
me too! wouldn’t have made it without them!
Oh Lindsay. What a horrific experience. I read every word of this post. And I’m not even a mom, so I can’t relate. But I can only imagine how hard this has been on you. You’re brave for sharing your story, and I’m sure will help others who are dealing with this alone. Thank you. And feel better soon. At least you have a little miracle to be thankful for. 🙂
thanks ashley! i hope so!
Honest posts are often the most meaningful! I feel like I have been writing these comments a lot on your blog, but again, even for those of us readers who are far off from having children, it is good to know the ups and downs that may happen! I appreciate your honesty. I am sorry this has been so painful, but I am glad you are on the mend. You have to do what’s best not only for Chase, but for you so you can enjoy his infant time!
thanks so much emily!
I too think you are amazing for sticking it out as long as you did! I too had breastfeeding struggles with my first baby (I’m now pregnant with my second), and I was SO not prepared for how hard it would be. Since then, I try to encourage new moms to (a) not be surprised if it’s harder than they thought, and (b) seek out help and support if they are struggling. You truly went WAY above and beyond, and you deserve a medal! I didn’t have any of the infections or hospital time that you did, but my girl had some latching problems and I dealt with a ton of pain that became more and more difficult (compounded with sleeplessness and postpartem depression). I got some help from an LC, but it wasn’t enough. I remember feeling SO helpless and awful about it. I was able to switch to exclusively pumping when my baby was a month old, and that turned out to be the best decision for us. I hope to have a better experience nursing my second, but you just never know. Thank you for sharing! I know it helps other mamas know they are not alone.
i agree. wish i’d been more prepared. i’m going to do my best to support new moms in the future as well!
I would never say a negative thing about the struggles you have been through. You tried as hard as you could to provide breastmilk, but your body was not in agreement with your plans, but when are our bodies ever in agreement with our plans ;). I personally have never had a child, but I have an 18 month old niece who is so precious to me and her mother chose to not even try to breastfeed and part of me holds that against her because she is now very underweight and gets sick all of the time so I wish that she would have at least tried for a little while. I know that when I have children I might change my mind completely and choose to not breastfeed, but I am of the belief that you should at least try once and if that doesn’t work you can always revert to formula which is good for the baby too. On the weight loss that you commented about, I would definitely recommend gaining that back as quick as you can because the restoration of weight will give you so much energy back. Sorry for my long response, but this post really moved me. Hope you have a great weekend!
yep, definitely trying to get my energy back! so far so good!
Friend! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’ve never heard of such an extreme case and I’m so sad for you that you had to go through it :\ You are doing a GREAT job and one of the most important things about being a Mom is taking care of yourself too. If you aren’t strong and healthy, then you can’t be the best Mom you can be. Your decision to stop was the right decision for you and I can’t imagine anyone would judge you for it (I hope not at least!). Take care of yourself and of that unbelievably adorable little Squish!! sending love from the east coast…
thanks rach! appreciate it!
Good for you and glad you shared your story! I also struggled with breastfeeding and it didn’t come naturally. Every woman needs to make the best decision in their situation and you certainly did – yay for you for realizing that the best thing for your son is for you to be happy and healthy! And glad you are finally on the mend and can enjoy that precious Squish!
thanks ann!
Kudos to you for sticking with breastfeeding as long as you did! Breastfeeding IS hard and by writing about your experience it lets other moms know that they are not alone. Unfortunately, our culture has shunned breastfeeding (until recently) and shammed mothers for not choosing it. It is a terrible combination. Thank you for sharing your experience. You are an awesome mom and your lil one is lucky to have such a strong, loving mom.
thanks Christy! i hope my story helps someone out there feel less alone!
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through all this. I can relate to all the doctors, trying to get answers and get well. You made the right decision for you and your family and that’s all that matters. Feel better soon!
thanks megan!
Wow what a huge struggle for you – so brave of you to share. xoxo
Lindsay, thank you for sharing your story. You have my wholehearted support. And jeez, that’s a cute baby. Happy holidays.
Wow, I am so sorry. I COMMEND you and respect you to the ends of the earth for surviving breastfeeding as long as you did. Because it is surviving when it gets tough – I know that to be true and I had a fraction of the issues you faced. Hugs, mama! And I snickered to myself at the “nipple trauma”. Major TMI but some of my nipple actually FELL OFF during the first week or so of breastfeeding. It is not easy…not at all. So glad you’re on the mend!
haha i definitely feel your pain girl!
I’ve never posted here but read your blog all the time. Thank you for sharing your story about breastfeeding. With my first daughter I had tons of problems and like you I wasn’t expecting that prepared to deal with it. I felt ashamed that it wasn’t working right and I was angry at my body. I educated myself and realized how very many women struggle. I fought mastitis and thrush many many times. Countless clogged ducts and pain. My problems never reached the severity of yours and I cannot BELIEVE anyone would DARE criticize your choice to stop. You have it more effort than 99.99999% of women would have. Your baby and your health need to come first. How is it helping him thrive if you are sick and miserable?! I almost cried reading your story because I remember feeling like some of my joy for the first few weeks had been taken away. Hopefully you haven’t felt the same way. Although I did end up continuing nursing it took a long time to get myself feeling confident and in the groove of things. What you have been through is inspirational and hopefully will provide others with knowing they aren’t alone. We are all just moms doing the best we can. Everyone’s journey is different and hopefully you are feeling more like yourself now and able to enjoy feeling healthy and happy with your new little baby.
Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing. (((Hugs)))
oh taylor, thanks so much! i appreciate the support and so glad to hear things worked out for you!
oh my…what an ordeal this has been for you! i’m so sorry for all this! i don’t have kids so can’t truly relate but thank you for sharing and for your honesty. hope you start to feel better soon!
Oh man. Where do I begin. I’m the mother to 4 kids. NONE of them breastfed well. And I desperately wanted to be successful at it. I am beyond envious of the women who it comes so naturally to. And I truly do feel like I missed out on that experience with my kids. My first was born a preemie and was actually tube fed (NG tube) for 3 months. I pumped for 2 months and so she had breastmilk for 3 months. I had an awesome supply! Then 10 years later I had 3 more babies (2 years apart). Disaster with all of them. And to be honest I NEVER felt like I got very little support from my medical team either. I regret not trying harder. I spent a long time feeling like I had failed my kids somehow. But really the only reason I feel that way is because we have so many other people blasting us about those decisions. And the bottom line is that it’s a personal decision. And breastfeeding is SOOO hard. It definitely sounds like you gave it the good fight. I think these day formula is very comparable to breast milk and your son will no suffer because he didn’t have breast milk. He will be just fine. We as women put so much pressure on ourselves. I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you, I know how hard that can be to deal with. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery!
thanks so much kerry. sorry to hear about your struggles as well but i appreciate the support!
Lindsay, I breastfed both of my kids, I’m still breastfeeding my youngest and I can say, without any doubt, you ABSOLUTELY made the right decision. It’s not fair that you had to go through all of that and miss time with your sweet boy, and I am so glad you are on the mend. What matters to him is that his mama is there and his mama loves him–you will bond with him just as much as if you were breastfeeding, Please, please, please don’t beat yourself up about this. You are doing a great job.
thanks so much lisa! i appreciate the support!
Motherhood is the most challenging endeavor we will ever undertake. My son is almost three months old and I know how hard it must have been to stop because the unique and intimate relationship that you get to have with your child during that time is awesome HOWEVER it’s such a small piece of your time with your son. You could not be more right in your decision. And let me tell you these boys (girls too 😄) get so cool at eight weeks and on. The best is yet to come!!
that’s so true lauren. it’s just one slice of the time i spend with him!
Wow, Linsday! So much to deal with all in a short period of time! I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that! 🙁 I think you’re pretty amazing for sticking it out as long as you did. I had issues with both of my girls and I was definitely not as strong as you – I quit pretty early on, just couldn’t deal with it. The most important thing for your boy is to have you there, healthy and happy. I hope you heal quickly and are feeling better in no time. 🙂
thanks jennifer!
Thanks for sharing your story & I’m sorry it was such a horrible experience for you. In my undergrad dietetic program & dietetic internship we were taught that everyone can & should breastfeed. The benefits way outweigh the risks. At that time, whenever anyone would say that it was too painful, so they quit… I’d think…..deal with it! Not until my RD friends started having babies (who’d been indoctrinated as I had) & had bad experiences that I came to realize that breast feeding really may not be best for everyone. If it affects your health & well being, it is probably not beneficial anymore. I’d like to see a more comprehensive education component in dietetic enducation that represents both sides. Especially for RDs who work in lactation who haven’t experienced breastfeeding or negative experiences so they can provide unbiased and helpful advice.
oh my gosh, i could not agree more!!! we need to learn about both sides.
Oh Lindsay! I was captivated reading your story, you are so right, I never think about all the trauma or difficulties that come with breastfeeding and completely think you made the best decision for you & baby. You were so brave & strong for sooo long, I think 7 weeks of being sick is way longer than I could handle!
Glad you’re on the mend!
thanks so much allison!
Oh my goodness! I am amazed that you tried to breastfeed for as long as you did. You’re a rock star (and amazing mom, I’m sure)! I resonated with a lot of your story: when I was pregnant with my first, I just assumed I’d breast feed, but long story short: I only got milk on one side due to injured milk ducts from years of competitive soccer and didn’t have the supply no matter what I tried to increase it. I drove myself crazy feeding around the clock for weeks before realizing formula was just the best option for our family. And I have two pretty great, healthy girls now who – as best as I can tell – are not suffering at all from my inability to breastfeed. Feel better soon! 🙂
thanks sarah! love hearing that your kiddos are thriving also!
I’m glad you are finally feeling better! I don’t know that I would have been as strong. We had some struggles for the first couple of weeks and that was hard enough. Amazing that you stuck it out for so long. Take care and enjoy the moments with your little baby! They go by so fast and it isn’t worth being in pain and away from him. Hope you are back to normal (your new mommy normal) soon!
i agree! time is flying by!
I’m so, so glad you are on the mend. Breastfeeding was by far one of the most trying things I’ve ever done, and like you, it just didn’t work out. And you are exactly right, it comes down to a healthy baby, a healthy mom, and making sure everyone has what they need. If that means formula, then so be it. You are one great mama to that sweet boy and he will be perfect no matter where his calories come from 🙂
thanks so much katie. right back at ya!
You made the right choice, the one that is best for both of you. I went through a lot of post-partum struggles when I had health problems and issues due to my milk not coming in. I wasn’t able to breastfeed within the first 3-4 weeks. We decided to switch to formula, and I can say he’s a smart cookie at almost 3 years old. I believed a lot of what I was told about formula being worse, etc. I felt guilt for an entire year over it. Now, I see it’s just calories and I’m thankful we have these options today that are far healthier than they were years ago. Thank you for sharing your story.
i agree. i’m so glad their are options for people no matter what their situation!
OH my Lord I feel like I’m rereading my own story! It sucks that it went this way for you and I know the pressure you can be under as a mother to breast feed but some of us just aren’t cut out for it. My oldest was born with a clef palate so I never breast feed him. He couldn’t latch so I exclusively pumped and fed him with a habberman for 6 months. It was crazy the amount of time it took to simple feed my little 5 pound wonder baby. For my second I was so excited there were no issues and I was going to breast feed like a mofo sadly I ended up right where you are, not as bad I don’t have any allergies. But still I only made it 3 weeks till I had to stop. Fevers, antibiotics, lumps and draining. I had to extend my maternity leave just to get better before going back to work it was a mess! Trust me get yourself back to healthy and forget all about the breast feeding! I wish you a speedy recovery so you can enjoy unsick time with that little guy!
sorry to hear about your struggles renee! thanks for the positive thoughts. i appreciate it.
I totally feel for you. I had many issues breastfeeding and honestly it was the hardest part of raising my children. It didn’t come easy I was determined through infection, and it led to depression. You provide that child with nutrition its what you are good. As a RD you know best how to give the right nutrition. Even if it is not breastmilk you are feeding your child. I lost precious time of my kid’s best years worrying about breastfeeding and being depressed because it was hard to do and I still made myself do it. Good for you for being smart enough to do the best thing instead of allowing guilt to make you more sick, and the baby have to lose precious time he could have wtih you cuddling him. It is impossible to cuddle from hospital and who wants to bring a new baby into a germ infested hospital!!! Kuddos to you for telling the truth. Breastfeeding doesn’t come easy for everyone and for those that it does congratulations!!!
so sorry to hear about your struggles tawna. thanks for the support!
Oh my gosh. I can’t believe everything you’ve gone through. I actually teared up at the end. I’m a mama to a 9 month old and am still breasfteeding but it has not been easy. I haven’t gone through nearly what you have. I had damaged nipples, over supply issues, had to use a shield for 5 months and still have issues with clogged ducts (have one right now) but I’m still pushing through to get her to a year of breast milk. I love that you shared your story. I have felt so much pressure to keep nursing her because “breast is best” but there have been so many times where just giving her formula would have been so much easier. I think more people like you should share your story so we could help take the stigma away from moms who use formula. It is such a personal and hard decision either way but as long as your baby is getting food we shouldn’t be judging mamas on how they do it. Good luck and I hope you start feeling better!!
kudos to you for sticking with it! i agree, i hope this inspires more people to share their story!
girl. I just want to hug you and cry with you. I just had mastitis and I wanted to die. I can’t imagine how you endured this traumatic experience. Breastfeeding is 100% completely hard.
I pray you are blessed with some relief and are able to experience some major snuggles with your little squish now.
ugh, isn’t it the worst? hope you’re on the mend too!
SO happy to hear you are on the up and up! Your son is adorable, healthy and thriving, and you should be too! Sounds like you made the best decision for you and your family 🙂
thanks jane. i appreciate it.
I really enjoyed reading this, Lindsay. I have zero experience breast feeding, so I’m glad you shared your struggle. That said, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. Every instagram of Chase looks like he’s the happiest baby I ever did see!
Thinking of you!
thanks girl!
Breast feeding is hard! You are a true warrior! Doing what is best for your family isn’t always easy but it’s always worth it. I can’t imagine going through what you went through. Thanks for sharing this incredibly personal story.
i agree. always worth it! thanks Kelly!
I have no words Linsay. I had no idea you were going through all this. What an absolute nightmare. I cried two times while reading this. Your decision is the right one. What matters is that you and squish are healthy. I am glad you are feeling better. THANK YOU for sharing your story. And take care of yourself my dear. You are a mom, and you are needed 🙂
aww thanks so much Katie!
You know, I had an easy experience with breastfeeding with over supply of milk that actually make me tired most of the time and sleeping too much, and eating so much too! So it was hard to believe that other women suffer! And i’m gonna say that you are really BRAVE , if that happened to me , I’ll stop right away, there is no reason to be in pain , for sake of feeding a baby , cuz the baby feel his/her mother’s fears and pain and stress, you are just a hero, and no one ever should judge you for stopping being in pain
thanks for the support Farida!
Wow! I cannot believe this story and how traumatic and painfully difficult if must have been. I had no idea this could happen and I’m so glad you decided to share it. I feel so bad that you’ve been struggling through this for 7 weeks. Girl, you made the right decision. And to those that disagree, I say it’s not that you didn’t try so darn hard! The most important thing is for you to spend time With baby and your husband, not at the hospital. So glad you’re home finally. Rest up and get well!
thanks so much Bri!
Oh Momma….as a fellow dietitian who dealt with some major struggles breastfeeding, on top of postpartum depression, I can say I know the agony you went thru making the decision for your own health/well-being. I quit at 8 weeks with our first child after stressing/crying/worrying about it for weeks. I wanted so badly for it to work but I wasn’t good at it, they weren’t good at it, I had over supply issues, clogged ducts, mastitis, horrific hormonal migraines, they had the worst cases of breast aversion that 4 lactation consultants had ever seen. Ugh! It was awful….I feel your pain. Rest easy knowing you made the right decision for you and your little one. I’ll be sending happy healthy healing thoughts and prayers your way.
oh boy! you had quite a struggle as well! thanks for the support!
this couldn’t have come at a better time. I have a ten day old and am really struggling with bfing. Poor latch, bloody nipples, crying from pain during every feed. the lc referred me for tongue tie but my pediatrician didn’t agree. I ended up spending a bunch of money todo it and not sure if it’s helped or not:/. I’m really terrified of mastitis. thanks for sharing your story. Hugs!
oh girl…i feel your pain. i hope things get better for you soon whether you stick with nursing or switch to formula!
You are amazing, and I feel for you! I have a 7month old and had issues BF since day 1. I was doing anything and everything to continue breastfeeding until I finally hit a mental wall. When I finally said the words out loud “I think I’m going to stop breastfeeding” I honestly felt a weight lift off my shoulders and my sanity start to come back. And as far as formula…I’m mad at myself for believing so much false information out there about formula. After doing my own research and where formula is derived from, I was like duh! It’s so natural, really! Most importantly it’s just one tiny sliver of the pie on raising a healthy, smart, happy child.
i agree! such a huge sense of relief!
First of all, thank you for sharing your story.
Second, I am so glad to hear you are on the mend. If I could, I would give you a real hug.
Third, I hope we can meet in person one day.
couldn’t agree more amy!
Lindsay, I’ve only followed your blog for a short time, but i feel so bad that you’ve gone through this. I had my first baby in June, and we struggled with breast feeding in the beginning too. She did not latch right, and the pain was so intense…and you never get a break for the nips to heal! We ended up having success with the nipple shield (still using it 6 months later). Props to you for nursing as long as you did with a baby who didn’t latch right. Anyway, I just wanted to say that even though life may look a bit bleak now, each week/month gets so much easier and fun with the baby. The newborn period, even without everything you’ve endured, is HARD! Recovering from giving birth, sleep deprivation, hormones, and the emotional roller coaster of becoming a mom overwhelmed me so much. It gets so much better! Hang in there. Totally respect your decision to formula feed. Sounds like you’ve been put through the ringer. Hugs!
thanks so much jordan! and congrats to you on your little one. so glad nursing is working out for you!!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this. Breastfeeding is incredibly hard and no one should make you feel bad about your choice no matter what you choose. I had many of the same struggles with low supply, plugged, ducts and mastitis with my first baby and it was so hard mentally and physically. I wish I had read a story like yours to help me through it all. This post will help new moms everywhere and is so important to share. I hope that you continue to feel better each day. Your little Squish is such a cutie pie and what a strong support system you have to help you through it all. Hugs!
thanks Sandra! I hope it helps someone out there!
you are already a wonderful mom. Taking care of yourself allows you to give your baby more love, and what’s more important than that? So glad you’re home with Squish and on the mend 🙂
thanks amelia
You are amazing. My little guy is ten weeks old and it’s tough enough to get used to motherhood (those sleepless nights!), but I cannot imagine the pain you are going through – both with the breastfeeding and with the decision to stop. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you hugs and support from one new mommy to another!
thanks! hope your sleepless nights get better soon!
I just read your post on your struggles with breastfeeding. I am 56 years old and when I had my first baby 24 years ago my husband and I decided I would breast feed. My baby boy had colic for six weeks, wanted to eat every hour and a half and I was miserable. We were supplementing to help. Long story short, I stopped after six weeks and went completely to formula and it was so much better. When I had my second little boy, three years later, I made the decision not to breast feed. A pediatrician on call for my primary let me have it for making this decision because of the health consequences my baby would suffer from. Another long story short, my first suffered from ear infections to the point of almost having tubes put in (this child was breast fed for six weeks) and my second was hardly ever sick (he was bottle fed from the start). So you have to do what works for you and I applaud you for making your decision. I am sorry you have felt so bad and been so sick. You have a cute little boy and enjoy every minute because they grow up way too fast!! Mine are now 24 and 21.
thank you so much! i can hardly believe how fast it’s going already!
Wow, I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. Having a newborn is hard enough when you are healthy. Wishing you health and the time to focus on your little guy without the difficulty of illness.
thanks allison!
Thank you for posting this. I had to stop breastfeeding my son and I felt like such a failure afterwards that it triggered PPD. Every woman I spoke with told me how “easy it is and how it’s best for baby”. I struggled and no one spoke of it to me except how important it was and I needed to keep trying. My doctor and husband finally had me stop and supplement. I think it is so important for women to share these stories. Thank you.
so sorry to hear about your struggles as well. hopefully this will encourage more people to share!
What an important post. Nobody really talks about how hard breastfeeding is for so many women. You persevered longer than most would be able to. I think about all those less fortunate moms who do not have the support system and resources that many of us enjoy, and how they struggle. Thanks for sharing, and enjoy your beautiful baby.
I agree. I had NO idea what I was getting myself into before I had baby. I only heard the positives about breastfeeding, not the hard stuff!
Just read your story and it brought back a lot of memories for me from both pregnancies. I had a mass in one Breast almost as big as a tennis ball. I had to have surgery a week after first child was born to remove it. It was a lactating adenoma caused by pregnancy. Second pregnancy was extreme preeclampsia issues and followed by many drugs, fever and illness after I gave birth.
So neither of mine were Breast fed. They are now 9 and 14. Both very tall athletic and rarely ever get sick. Not even colds. They have always been in the best of health. Don’t ever feel guilty or like you need to explain why this was your choice. Years from now it won’t even cross your mind. So glad you are finally on the road to feeling good. Enjoy your sweet baby.
thanks so much amy! sorry to hear about your struggles but your kiddos sound amazing!
Oh my god you have been through so much! I am so sorry! The first few weeks are often hard but you had a truly awful experience. Don’t worry about breastfeeding. You just need to get well and strong. Wishing you only health in the future.
thank you!
I am soooo sorry you had to go through this. I can’t imagine the sleepless nights and birth recovery while being sick at the same time. You are one strong and brave woman! I think your decision was a good one. Xo
thanks kath!
Oh, girl, you’ve been through hell and back. Breastfeeding is hard, even when it’s “easy”. Newborns aren’t easy and to go through what you did is awful! Focus on getting better so you can enjoy your sweet baby. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it’s totally secondary to a healthy baby AND a healthy mommy. Sending positive thoughts that things go smoother for you from here on out.
i agree, there’s nothing easy about it no matter how it goes for you!
Wow! That’s so hard. Good for you for taking care of yourself and babe. It’s crazy how each woman’s situation differs. Nothing else matters but your health. Feel good!
i know! everyone is so different!
Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me the courage to post about my journey, it will be up on Monday!
so glad you posted yours! we need more women to share!
I cannot imagine someone judging you for stopping breastfeeding after all you went through! It sounds awful and I cannot imagine!
Thank you for sharing! I cried for a week after I decided to stop breastfeeding. It’s so hard. You are a great Mom and don’t let not breastfeeding make you feel any different!
aww right back at ya!
Wow. I was gripped reading this and your honest, real story of what you went through! I think breastfeeding is one of the bravest, selfless, and hardest things any woman can do, and to have gone as long as you did, even with all of the struggles is simply amazing. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and while I am sure it is incredibly difficult NOT to breast feed any longer, you absolutely did what was right for you and your son, 1000%. xoxo, hope you keep feeling better!
thanks so much jo!
Oh Lindsay, I am so sorry you went through that, what an ordeal! I am so happy to hear you’re feeling so much better now and glad you’re back with that adorable Squish of yours. 🙂 I cannot even imagine there would be anyone who would actually question your decision to stop breastfeeding after all you went through – you did what was right for you and baby. Healthy mama is super duper important, after all! I had a friend who had a bad case of mastitis with her first (not to your extent, but incredibly painful) and she continued breastfeeding and actually regrets that now. She thinks she was just succumbing to peer pressure rather than actually listening to her body and knowing when to say ‘enough’. Happy holidays to you and your family! <3
so sad! i wish there wasn’t so much pressure out there on all of us!
Wow- what an insane experience. Of course you need to do what is best for you and your precious baby! Nursing is so so so so so hard- after nursing for a year three times, I can honestly tell you it was the most challenging and trying job! For some it comes easy and others, not so much- but you really were dealt quite the hand;( I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you can move on and accept that bf’ing wasn’t in the cards for you this time around! There is way too much to miss out on if you’re struggling with feeding all the time! (Trust me on that one!)
thanks laura! kudos to you for hanging in there 3 times!
Thank you for sharing your story! Both of my babies came a month early which meant they spent some time in the NICU, and were not strong enough to breastfeed. This made breastfeeding extremely hard, for my daughter my milk supply was never enough to exclusively breastfeed and even with pumping several times a day I completely stopped producing at 5 months. As for my son he wasn’t strong enough to clear the milk so I had to pump after every feeding. I ended up with an extremely painful lump as well that I had to take pain meds for as well as get an ultrasound, but luckily it cleared up on its own. I was in tears and ready to stop breastfeeding after the first month, but I decided to give it one more month (since he was a month early I felt like I had to give him a chance now that we hit his due date.) Things finally started to go right for us and at almost 3 months he has caught on to breastfeeding like a pro and is almost off of formula. If things hadn’t gotten better I would have switched to formula as well, I agree 100% that its more important to be healthy and enjoy that special time with your baby. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience, it is nice to hear I am not alone and how hard breastfeeding can be for us mamas.
wow! what an experience. you’re definitely not alone!
Thanks for sharing on this difficult subject. I have an almost 9 month old and also struggled with breastfeeding. Baby couldn’t breastfeed well, lost a lot of weight, ended up back in the hospital for 5 extra days after we already spent several days there after my c-section. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding while supplementing with formula. I also got mastitis bad enough to be drained by a needle many times and was on antibiotics for weeks. My milk was never enough and the whole thing was incredibly difficult. The important thing is that you and baby are healthy and you’ve made the right decision for your family. It’s brave to share. Thank you.
so sorry to hear about your struggles! hope all is well now with you and baby!
Breastfeeding is hard! I think a lot of women have a hard time talking about it because of all the judgment behind it. We all have our own experiences…motherhood in general is like that.
I am so sorry that the last month has been so hard and you haven’t felt well…I really hope things start to settle and I hope you have a lot of snuggle time with that precious baby!!! xo
i agree! it’s so different for everyone!
You’re a freaking ROCK STAR, Lindsay. Chase is so lucky to have such a strong momma but it definitely sounds like you made the best decision for you both. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I’m so happy to hear you’re finally on the mend and hope you all have a healthy start to 2015!
thanks friend!
I follow a lot of blogs, and I always appreciate your honesty. I feel like a lot of people online and off have such strong opinions of child rearing in general, and even if you literally have done everything they will have a comment with something you could have done better. I can not even imagine the pain you went through, and SO happy you sound like you are on the mend!
thanks Ashley, i appreciate it!
Lindsay, I’m so sorry to hear that this has been happening to you and huge fist bumps for hanging in there! My sister has had some problems too, though definitely not to the same extent as you’ve experienced. Thank you so much for sharing your story because I learned so much from this. Glad to know your feeling better now, and hope you have a full recovery soon!
glad it was helpful!! thanks for the well wishes!
Thank you for writing this! I plan to breastfeed, but I have set myself up with very real expectations because I know it’s not easy for everyone! Women will say “it’s the most natural thing you can do!” False. If your body doesn’t respond well, what are you supposed to do? KUDOS to you for toughing it out for as long as you did, but ultimately coming to the decision that being healthy for Chase is the best, most important decision you could make! <3
i think that’s awesome that you’re being realistic but I’m so hoping it works out for you!!
oh lindsay!! what a nightmare!! you are so brave yo share your story. and props to all of your readers… no mean, awful, hurtful comments! amazing. you seem like such a great, loving mother 🙂 i am so glad your health is on the mend!!! have a blessed christmas! xoxo
thanks so much val!
Wow, you are so strong! As a fellow new mom, I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. My little girl and I have had our own breast feeding struggles but yours tops all. It sounds like you have an awesome support system though! I’m also an RD and had just thought breast feeding would be the only thing I’d ever give my baby. I was so upset and felt like a bad mom when I had to supplement with formula. I got over that once I saw my baby so much happier and growing. We’re hanging in with bf and formula supplements, but I question every day what would be easier for us. So happy for you and your adorable boy that you’ve found your happy balance! Get better soon!
Thank you for sharing and being so open, I am sure this will help so many women! The first half of your story sounds exactly like my situation X 5. I had this happen to me for the first 2 months for each of my 5 kids. I gave up after a couple months with my first and second… and then managed to overcome with my 3rd, 4th and now 5th. It was nearly impossible. Mastitis sucks so bad.
I read your story as my breast feeding time is coming to a close. You are so right no one tells you how hard it can be. My struggle was going back to work. I work in a hospital, where the push is customer satisfaction scores and seeing as many patients as possible. I don’t have a lunch break, so in a 10 hour shift trying to pump twice was stressful, and then stress decreases your supply. I had a single pump and tried pumping at the desk, so I could keep working, seriously you couldn’t see anything, all you could hear is a motor, was told one week later I was offending people. Still 6 months later that angers me……we clean up people’s vomit and poop all the time and my pump noise, or seeing a bottle of breast milk offended you. Should have had my husband bring up the baby and breast feed in public 🙂
I applaud you for sticking with it as long as you did, and hope you’re on the way to recovery!!
Oh my gosh Lindsay, I don’t know much about breast feeding at all, but what I do know is that I am so proud of you for doing what is right for you, and for being brave enough to share your challenge to help others. I’m so so sorry to hear you were in so much pain, but I am very glad that things are getting better. I strongly believe that being a good parent means being good to yourself first so that you can be there for your child. He is so lucky to have you as his mama!
holy cow what an ordeal. You are so right BF is hard even without all of the health issues that came with your experience. My daughter and I did great, but my son was a preemie. He was a lazy lazy nurser and it made it incredible frustrating. It will be different each time if/when you have more kids. I would have thrown in the towel on week 3! So good for you. Nothing wrong with formula. Baby needs a healthy mommy first and foremost. As you are learning with parenting each issue and decision has it’s pros and cons and you can only make the choice that is right for you and your family. Each kid is different even your own, so what works for one doesn’t always translate to another. Never doubt your choices.
Oh my gosh Lindsay, thanks for sharing this! I can’t believe everything you went through. I’m hoping the holidays went well and you are feeling better daily!
I know I am late responding but as a nurse I was educated in our clinic by our breast feeding consultant (she is a nutritionist and expert in breast feeding) told us nurses we need to do better preparing women about the ins and outs of breastfeeding and that it is HARD! We don’t prepare women enough. I vowed from then on when I talk with first time moms to tell them the truth! One of the things I have learned is even with insured women getting the lactation consultant to you in a timely matter is often very hard. I personally believe they should be allowed to do home visits! HA! I am truly sorry if we the medical community failed you. Support and compassion is so vital in birthing and supporting the mom and little one!
Great Post! Thanks for sharing your story. I am pregnant and its so nice to hear other women’s experiences. I’m glad your little boy is doing so well and you’re feeling better!
Ashley
thanks ashley!
Wow, I am amazed that you tried as long as you did. You’re a rock star and I as a soon to be mom this May, I thank you for sharing your story. All the best.
Thank you! And congrats!
I had a similar situation as you, certainly not as severe. You gave it all you got and there comes a point when enough is enough. You have to worry about your health first if you also want your baby to thrive. We had to make the decision with my second to bottle feed and he thrived beautifully. He is now a second year student at West Point, so I don’t think the switch affected him too much! So much success to you all in the future. Your son won’t remember a thing!
Wow this is crazy that you went through all this! I am thankful that you are well now and your baby is thriving! He is a cute little guy:) I have to ask because you are a dietician (I think that is what I read on your blog) what formula do you feed your little guy? I heard Baby’s Only was a good brand that is non gmo and organic but wanted to see what you chose.
Love your blog I just found it tonight and have been reading for hours lol
we use similac! glad you foudn me 🙂 happy reading!
wow! that is really a story. I cried reading it, not even able to fathom your pain. I’m glad you wrote this out so that others can see it’s not easy and maybe find some answers in your post. You can also read back on it yourself and see how much of yourself you gave to your baby!
thanks for reading!
Lindsay, I know this post is old and I’m pretty sure I’m one of the original 261 comments (!) but I literally google searched this post today because I’m having a “breastfeeding is hard” day and remembered this post — and re-reading it made me cry! I don’t have NEARLY the difficultly you had, but I’m currently on antibiotics for mastitis, and it sucks. Thanks again for writing this! (And happy 6 months to Chase! Look how far you’ve both come!!)
hugs, friend! sending lots of love your way!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I had a lot of difficulty with both my babies. I tried, but ultimately decided to stop because it was making me sick. I had post partum depression with my first, went into congestive heart failure with the second. It’s nice to know, when I feel like I’m surrounded by women who have successful breastfeeding experiences, that I’m not alone.
you’re definitely not alone!!! everyone has to do what’s best for them!
Oh I’m so glad you shared your story. I’m a still-learning dietitian for WIC and learning from other RDs experience who know the benefits of breastfeeding but still face struggles (like all mothers do!) is really helpful for me to grow in my compassion for my clients. I’m also tucking this away for when I’m a mother someday. P.S. I love your whole blog!
Thanks Hannah! It’s not the easiest topic to talk about but i think it’s important to get it out there to help others!
I just found your blog because I have an almost 12 month old and I was stumped about what to feed him for meals when he stops drinking formula (and he has minimal interest in solids). I Google searched “what do I feed my toddler” and came across your blog.
I’ve been so grateful to find ideas for him Iand he really seemed to enjoy our chicken fajitas tonight!) but I really wanted to comment on this post. Obviously, I am very late to the party but I too thought breastfeeding would be a piece of cake. My baby had a horrible latch and we just could not get our rhythm. I had to supplement with formula in the hospital because he was losing too much weight. When we got home we kept trying to feed from the breast and he refused to latch. He loved his bottles. I pumped for three months (and supplemented with formula) until the day the bugger had the nerve to SPIT OUT the precious breastmilk I’d pumped for him. He weaned himself!
I pumped for a couple more days thinking I had just eaten something that made the milk taste funny but he had no interest. He only wanted formula. I felt guilty for days until my husband assured me that no one would think any less of me if I decided to quit. So I did. Our baby boy is healthy, happy, and thriving. Why don’t more people talk about how hard it is??? Thank you so much for sharing your story. If ANYONE gave you grief over your decision, they’re an a$$. Your baby boy is a peach and so are you!
aww thank you so much! i hope more and more people continue to talk about it! glad the toddler ideas are helping!