If you’re anything like me, you probably spent most of your younger years wanting time to go faster. When I was 10, I wanted to be 13 so I could be a teenager. When I was 13 I wanted to be 16 so I could get my driver’s license. When I was 16 I wanted to be 18 so I could go to college. When I was 18, I wanted to be 21 so I could drink legally.
I always felt like I wanted to be older, move faster, get to the next milestone..but I never really had an end destination in mind. When was I going to find that time when I didn’t want to be older? I imagined I’d come across it at some point. I never thought I’d be 80 years old and really wishing I was 95….so I guess I just figured that somewhere between the ages of 21 and 80 I’d find an age where I wanted time to stop.
Well, I’ve found it. And it started the second my baby was born.
A few weeks ago I snapped this picture:
I had just carried Squish up to put him to bed. He was completely asleep and the pack and play is literally right next to my bed, but for some reason, I didn’t want to put him down. So I climbed into bed and held him, reading my book and just feeling the weight of him on my chest. And I realized just how much I wanted to freeze time.
I think I could have stayed like that forever and been 100% content. Every day I pick him up and I never want to put him down.
The next day I came across this post on Scary Mommy – In The Nursery, Where Time Stands Still, and I burst into tears for no reason other than I know that same thing is going to happen to me. One day I’m going to be holding him and I’m going to realize that he’s grown up. That he’s not a baby anymore but a toddler, and then a little boy. Just a few nights ago hubby and I were watching him sleep and talking about how much he’s changed already in the 4 short months he’s been alive.
It’s crazy and wonderful to think about, but at the same time it’s hard and scary.
Last week, I came across this poem- The Last Time and it so perfectly describes life with a baby. There are days when they’re crying and you’re tired and you want nothing more than to just set them down and cry yourself…but you have to remember that there will be a last time. A last time you can hold them in your arms, a last time they want to hold your hand, a last time when you’re the only one who can help them stop crying…so I try to remember that every day.
Lately I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by this blog. I have a to-do list that is literally an entire page long and beyond that I have more lists. A list of things I should be doing every day but don’t have time for. A list of things I could do behind the scenes to make this blog better. A list of ideas for the ebook I want to write. A list of things that could help me generate more income.
I feel like I finish one thing on a list and immediately add three more things to it. It’s never-ending. Couple that with balancing working from home with spending time with my baby and all the feelings I’ve been having about my baby growing up too fast…and there are days when I’m one overwhelmed new mama – both physically and emotionally.
And so yesterday, when the internet wasn’t working so work wasn’t getting done and I was trying to deal with a fussy baby and get back in the groove after having grandparents in town to lend helping hands, I forced myself to take a step back, take a deep breath and focus on the positives.
- I have an amazing baby that I’m lucky enough to spend time with every day.
- I have a wonderful husband who helps take care of me, the baby, the house and so much more.
- I have a job that i LOVE.
- I have the best family who is always willing to help.
- And I have this blog, that’s mostly about food, but it’s mine..and that means if I want to use it as a therapeutic writing outlet, I can 🙂
And as I sat there and looked at my finally sleeping baby, I was reminded just how important the little things are.
Because you can’t freeze time…but you can do your best to enjoy every single minute you’ve got!
So this is my new normal. I work hard, but I’m his mommy first. My most important job now is to love him, teach him and raise him to be the best person he can be.
And some days that means spending all day with baby and not crossing a single thing off my to do list. And some days it means staying up late or getting up early to get things done while baby is sleeping.
It means there will be days I’ll feel like I’m rocking at life and I’ll finish everything on my to do list and more…days where I only get the bare minimum done with no time for anything extra and days where I’ll fall behind on work, my lists will grow longer and I’ll feel so tired and overwhelmed that I can’t see straight.
And on those days I’ll tell myself it’s ok. I’ll focus on the little moments and the memories being made.
Because work and the blog will always be there.
But he won’t be this little forever.
And I don’t want to miss a thing.