There’s A Tampon In My Pocket

Hi Friends!

Time for a little entertainment to brighten up your Friday. Mr. Bean (aka Hubby aka Brett) is back to share the rather humorous tale of how he found a tampon in is coat pocket last week. Enjoy icon smile Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

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First of all- WOW. I mean I’ve always thought I was pretty funny, but all of this validation from my previous post has really grown my ego exponentially. I’ve basically told all of my friends I’m famous now and don’t have time to hang out with them. You know you’re a big deal when your mom texts you:

IMG 5012 Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

Anyways, the story.

There’s a Tampon in my Pocket:
A tale of mystery, lies, and deceit.

I’ll cut to the chase: Last week, I found a tampon in my pocket [Unopened!]…

More specifically, I was walking through the parking lot of my office building, minding my own business, noticed an odd bulge in my pocket, and discovered that it was a tampon— This is not normal.

Let me break it down. I had just exited the building for lunch and was about halfway to my car. My left arm seemed to be getting some excessive friction while it swung back and forth. A quick visual assessment revealed a weird bulge in my coat. I checked my side pockets (empty), realized my coat had an inner pocket (nifty), patted the contents down, and felt a cylindrical object. My mind immediately jumped to “is that a cigar?”(I don’t smoke cigars- weird initial judgment). So then it happened… I reached into the inner pocket, felt something wrapped in plastic, pulled it out, quickly realized I was holding a feminine hygiene product in my hand (in the middle of a parking lot), briefly froze in complete shock, quickly glanced side to side while jamming it back into aforementioned pocket, and then walked the rest of the way to my car.

A Reenactment

brett1 Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

I sat there with both hands on the wheel trying to process the madness.  Everything was momentarily distorted, like that scene in “Elf” where Buddy figures out he’s a human. After running some scenarios through my head, I started the car to head home for lunch. [Side Note:  We live close to my office, so I eat lunch at home with the Bean]

QUICK BREAK:
CONTEXT FOR MALES & TAMPONS

Few innocuous objects can leave a man more uncomfortable and shaken than a tampon. It’s completely irrational, but nonetheless, an undeniable truth. Its component parts (plastic, string, cotton) have no noticeable effect on a man, but put them together and it’s like kryptonite. We cringe at the name- Tampon (shudder).   I liken my fear of tampons to my fear of clowns: I know they are harmless and won’t hurt me, but I stay the hell away from them.  My best guess is that the fear is rooted in an unintended conditioning of our species; I’ll use the transitive property to explain:

Tampons=Periods

Periods= Cranky Woman

Cranky Woman= Terrifying

Therefore,

Tampons= Terrifying

OK, back to the story.

I’m now driving home and posed with the question “Why do I have a tampon in my inner coat pocket?” This naturally leads to “Who put a tampon in my pocket?” “How long have I had a tampon in my pocket?” “Who does this tampon belong to?” “Did anyone see me holding a tampon in the parking lot?”

I pull in the driveway having constructed the most plausible scenario. MAN PURSE! Now when I say “man purse,” I don’t mean it like a dude’s satchel. I’m talking about the all too common act of a woman using her man as a purse when she doesn’t want to carry one. Clearly this had been the work of the Bean. She has been known to use me as her man purse, putting things in my pants and/or coat when she wants to travel light. This results in me carrying her things around (knowingly or unknowingly) like her ID or keys.  Clearly, this is what had happened. We were going somewhere, she didn’t want to tote around a tampon, knew I wouldn’t be agreeable to carrying it, so she popped it in my coat. How dare she. This time she had gone too far.

Now having filled in the blanks, I arrived home, marched in the kitchen and said “Well, thanks a lot for using me as a purse!” and I slammed the tampon down on the kitchen island for effect.

brett2 e1391744040134 Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

Bean was silent.

Figuring she was not up to speed, I elaborated – “Obviously, you snuck this bad boy in pocket one night, and now I’ve been walking around with a tampon like an idiot!”

Bean glanced at the island, opened her mouth, and started to speak words that made the situation even more dreadful than I ever could have imagined. “That’s not my tampon. I don’t use that kind.”

My well thought out, airtight theory now had a MAJOR hole in it…No…A prank… Who? Why? Who could have had the window, the motive.  I didn’t even want to think it, but now I knew it was an inside job at the office. I’d have to deal with that after lunch.

Now that things were becoming clearer, I settled down and we began to resume lunch preparation as normal. As I often do after arriving home, I squatted down to give the Tuck Man (our blacklabesque dog) some love. To add insult to injury…

R-r-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-pppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ripped pants Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

{source}

My eyes widened. I looked at Bean. She began laughing hysterically. I looked down. And I swear to you all, I split the entire crotch/butt region of my pants. Things had gone from bad to worse. Within about a 30 minute window, I had found a tampon in my pocket and split my pants.

———

Now back on the job, with a fresh pair of pants, I was on high alert. I went quickly to my pal and confidant’s office – we’ll call him “Mandrew” for anonymity- to tell him what happened. No sooner had I told him what I found, he cut me off – “ I was just telling this exact story to a group of people the other day. It had to be one of them.” (Knowledge I could have used earlier BEFORE I slammed the tampon down on the counter and accused the Bean) Apparently this had been a reoccurring gag that the women had pulled at Mandrew’s previous employer.

…Sick…

My personal feelings aside, we had momentum- a list of potential suspects. We started our interrogations, but to no avail. People thought it was hilarious, yes, but nobody was giving any “tells” to indicate that they were involved, or even had any knowledge. Was it a lone gunman? Had to be. Offices are notorious for chatter, so for it to have remained so contained had to mean it was some monster acting alone. Somebody in close proximity, somebody who enjoyed watching office pranks, maybe enjoyed them so much she had heard a story about a prank and thought “now’s my chance to shine”, maybe somebody who sat 10 feet away….. We’ll call her “Adminnie” the Administrative Assistant.

Now we all love “Adminnie”. She is the glue that holds the department together. Scheduling, Travel, it all goes through her.  Adminnie is also the cheerleader of pranking in the office. She loves to hear a good prank story, but until now had always been a spectator. Could this have been her moment? The student becoming the master? I had my suspicions, but knew we wouldn’t have any trouble getting the information out of her. She has an Achilles heel- the worst poker face known to mankind. Picture Kristen Wiig’s SNL character “Sue” who always ruins surprises.

182822282 640 e1391744222776 Theres A Tampon In My Pocket

{Source}

She has tried to pull face to face pranks before at the urging of others. She will typically bust out laughing before getting three words out during the attempt. Something like “Hey. The Pres-BAHAHAHAHAHA-ident of the Comp-HAHHAHAHAHA-any wants to see you in his office.” This tampon prank would be right up her alley; she could have busted out laughing while doing it with nobody around to hear it. I could practically see her planting it in my coat like a black and white Dateline reenactment.

The interrogation went down just like I would have expected. Mandrew started out with “..hey guess what, Adminnie, Brett(Mr.Bean) found something strange in his pocket at lunch”. She immediately interjected “Oh yeah, (giggle) what did he (giggle) find(giggle).” She literally had tears running down her face before we ever mentioned the specifics of the tampon.  Busted.

Well played, Adminnie, but you’re in the big leagues now. I’m not going to retaliate immediatedly. (By the way, she found the ripped pants part exceedingly hilarious after I described my lunch hour). I’m going to let this simmer for awhile before I get even. I told her I was going to write about this- and Adminnie-  rest assured that sweet, sweet revenge is headed your way. It might be a month from now (exactly a month would be pretty funny), maybe a year, but it will be done, and if I pick my prank-level right, I’ll probably regret it for a day or two before thinking it’s hilarious again….(Insert a lengthy maniacal evil genius laugh here).

Now that I’ve written this, I’m fearful that this post may result in rogue tampons plaguing the belongings of men the world over. Sorry guys.

Any good prank suggestions to get back at Adminnie?

What’s the best office prank you’ve taken part in or witnessed?

PS. In case you’re new here, you can catch Mr. Bean’s previous appearances here:

Help, I’m Married To A Blogger
It’s Not Easy For Everyone (Our Infertility Story)

Enjoy!
–Bean & Mr. Bean–

About Lindsay

Lindsay Livingston is a Registered Dietitian from Columbus, Ohio. On her blog, she shares simple, healthy recipes, nutrition tips, workouts and snapshots of her life. Follow her on Twitter @LeanGrnBeanBlog and Instagram @TheLeanGreenBean and be sure to subscribe via RSS or email so you never miss a post!


Comments

  1. hahah I love this! Sorry you had to fall victim to this prank, but it’s pretty great! ;p
    Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie recently posted..Five Facts Friday 4

  2. I am on the ground, LOL. Loving Adminnie.. she’s awesome! The male equivalent to tampon would be an old school jock strap or a pair of tighty whiteys with a skid mark–either one of those could give a girl nightmares. You’ll need to put some serious thought into your revenge–after the tampon shock wears off that is. You crack me up Mr. Bean.
    Lisa @ RunWiki recently posted..Low Carb Coconut Bread Pudding with a Strawberry Creme Sauce

  3. oh man… I am laughing so hysterically that I have tears pouring down my face. Too bad I work with all women… that is a pretty awesome prank. Sorry about the pants… but it makes the story even more hilarious! You have to come up with something really good…. Can’t wait to hear the details… muahahahaha!
    Brittany @ Delights and Delectables recently posted..Friday Five and Favorites

  4. Hahaha! Can’t wait to hear what happens to next!

  5. It is so funny how freaked out some guys get over tampons! And I live that you split your pants on your lunch break. Good luck getting even!
    Lauren @ sassy molassy recently posted..Four Days Off

  6. Love this! And the reenactment pictures! Can’t wait to see your revenge!
    Mary recently posted..When Dan’s away, Bella comes to stay!

  7. I couldn’t sleep so after the photo on Instagram I had to come read the tale of mr. Bean and the tampon. Laughing out loud! My favorite purse is often my man purse but that’s one thing I wouldn’t make him carry, as I know it’s terrifying and scary for guys.
    Nicole @ FruitnFitness recently posted..The crazy, scary long drive

  8. This is hilarious! I immediately started to think of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Two young boys found an open tampon while playing. They ran up to their mom and said they found dynamite. Oh boys….

    For Adminnie – condoms, lots of condoms or a Jock Strap. Good luck!
    Angela @ Happy Fit Mama recently posted..High Five Friday

  9. Great story.! Morning funny appreciated! You have to continue writing!

  10. This made me laugh this morning. :) Happy Friday!
    Maryea {happy healthy mama} recently posted..coconut chocolate chip baked oatmeal

  11. A Friday lolz is exactly what I needed today. I see a blog in your future. ;)
    LOLZ recently posted..Thank-you.

  12. lol seriously hilarious!!!!! prank calls? those are always fun lol
    Linz @ Itz Linz recently posted..five things friday

  13. Hahaha! Now that was an original post! Love the reenactment! I would have never thought to do something like that, but its a pretty good one!!!
    Tina Muir recently posted..Valentines Day Special: White Chocolate Cranberry Almond Butter Cookies

  14. OMG- that was hilarious. (sorry Bean, but this guy is a stitch. Hope he isn’t too tough to live with now!) ;)
    debikayo recently posted..Dogs and caves and snow and ice

  15. Brilliant and universal! I think our two main takeaways are:
    1) Women are equal to men in this level of pranking.
    2) This could bring fanny packs back as a fashion statement (“Down with Organic Man Purses!”)
    Dan recently posted..Once a fat kid….

  16. This was hysterical! What a fantastic start to Friday morning, haha. So sorry you had to deal with that, but it was a good prank!
    Heather @fitncookies recently posted..The Olympics Begin! Five Things Friday

  17. 1. That picture of Kristen Wiig almost had me spitting my coffee at the computer screen.
    2. Adminnie & I would totally be office BFF’s!
    3. This was the perfect Friday morning post!
    TGIF Mr. & Mrs. Bean! :)
    Maureen recently posted..TV Shows I’m Digging {Organically Mo Favorites}

  18. Omg this whole thing is hilarious!
    Jackie recently posted..{Guest Post} Water Fitness!

  19. Oh my goodness- I am glad that I was not sipping my tea while reading….so funny!
    Elena recently posted..Why The Four Seasons Hotel New York Will Make Your Heart Smile

  20. LMAO! I’m doing this to someone today.
    Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted..Strange But Cheesey

  21. While the story is hilarious, the re-enactment pictures definitely make it ;-) so funny!
    Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted..Five Things Friday 02/07/14.

  22. hilarious!!! I have laughed and laghed and laughed so much!
    Noemi Medero recently posted..I got Curls!

  23. Hilarious!!

  24. That is absolutely hysterical!! That best prank I’ve ever seen involved my last office I worked in. It was around Christmas time and we wrapped everything in my boss’ office in wrapping paper. Tape dispenser, stapler, computer, monitor, filing cabinet, door – ALL of it. It was epic! LOL

    We also filled my current boss’ office with balloons once, but it wasn’t nearly as funny.
    Courtney @ Don’t Blink. Just Run. recently posted..Face The Music Friday #20

  25. Loving the reenactment and interrogation! Keep ‘em coming, Mr. Bean!
    misszippy recently posted..The injury rehab puzzle

  26. Bahahaha! The reenactment was hysterical. And Aunt Sue face? That is totally me. Hence why I have exactly zero good office prank stories. I’m a dead giveaway.
    Courtney @ Neighborfood recently posted..Stuff I’ve Googled: What to Do with Leftover Buttermilk

  27. Oh man, the tampon/clown analogy is just brilliant. Very much enjoying the Mr Bean posts – look at all the comments your Dad will be reading with this one! (Hi Mr Bean’s Dad!)
    Deanna Segrave-Daly recently posted..Pistachios, Dried Plums, Pears & Blue Cheese Crackers – The Recipe ReDux {sponsored contest}

  28. This is hilarious and something I would definitely do…muahahaha
    Kelly @ Cupcake Kelly’s recently posted..Five Things Friday: Books and Recipes

  29. I must admit when I first started reading this I thought “too soon for another Mr. appearance… it wont be that funny”… I was wrong, it was! Kudos- and keep it coming :)
    Francesca recently posted..The Power of Sisterhood

  30. OK — I almost spit out my lunch on my computer. This is hilarious. I don’t have a good prank but this reminds me of the time I went to a swap party (ladies switching out clothes, accessories, etc while eating and drinking) and got a most fabulous Coach bag. Who swaps that (only where I live – and I think Bean is from)? Anyway, I got home and it had two tampons and a pregnancy test. I considered them a gift with purchase. HA.
    Amanda recently posted..Where is my cave?

  31. OMG funniest thing I have ever read. I needed that laugh after quite the week. and the funniest part? I found a tampon in my jacket pocket this morning and almost pulled it out instead of a glove! oops! Even funnier to be a guy and have that happen though (and ps Mandrew – hysterical).
    jobo recently posted..Sometimes, you just realize.

  32. Can’t stop laughing!!!! Love it!
    Jen@PregnantDiabetic recently posted..Five Things Friday {10}

  33. Oh heck, this was the funniest thing I’ve read in so long. You guys are a riot, and I’m thoroughly enjoying your posts, mr. bean!
    I do believe today’s winner has clearly elevated you far beyond rock star & big deal. Not sure what that title might be.. still too busy laughing…
    Melissa @ Melissa Running It recently posted..The One That Has Nothing and Everything to Do With Running

  34. This is fantastic. I LOVE the reenactment photos. Favorite quote: “And now I’ve been walking around with a tampon like an idiot!”

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha
    Carly @ Fine Fit Day recently posted..Fit Mama Friday – Meet Julie

  35. What a super fun post for a Friday!!! I love Adminnie even if she did give herself away by giggling!!!
    I can’t wait for the sequel (there will be one, right?!)!!!
    Kim recently posted..Someone Stole My Identity

  36. Love the reenactment photos! In my old office we would prank people by taking the wheels off their desk chair. Then when they sat down to scoot their chair they would be stuck wondering what happened to their wheels.
    mandy @ fatgirlgonehealthy recently posted..Biggest Loser: Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.

  37. This was a great read!
    I love when men share their embarrassing moments and to top it off, it was an office prank!

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