Time for a little entertainment to brighten up your Friday. Mr. Bean (aka Hubby aka Brett) is back to share the rather humorous tale of how he found a tampon in is coat pocket last week. Enjoy
First of all- WOW. I mean I’ve always thought I was pretty funny, but all of this validation from my previous post has really grown my ego exponentially. I’ve basically told all of my friends I’m famous now and don’t have time to hang out with them. You know you’re a big deal when your mom texts you:
Anyways, the story.
There’s a Tampon in my Pocket:
A tale of mystery, lies, and deceit.
I’ll cut to the chase: Last week, I found a tampon in my pocket [Unopened!]…
More specifically, I was walking through the parking lot of my office building, minding my own business, noticed an odd bulge in my pocket, and discovered that it was a tampon— This is not normal.
Let me break it down. I had just exited the building for lunch and was about halfway to my car. My left arm seemed to be getting some excessive friction while it swung back and forth. A quick visual assessment revealed a weird bulge in my coat. I checked my side pockets (empty), realized my coat had an inner pocket (nifty), patted the contents down, and felt a cylindrical object. My mind immediately jumped to “is that a cigar?”(I don’t smoke cigars- weird initial judgment). So then it happened… I reached into the inner pocket, felt something wrapped in plastic, pulled it out, quickly realized I was holding a feminine hygiene product in my hand (in the middle of a parking lot), briefly froze in complete shock, quickly glanced side to side while jamming it back into aforementioned pocket, and then walked the rest of the way to my car.
I sat there with both hands on the wheel trying to process the madness. Everything was momentarily distorted, like that scene in “Elf” where Buddy figures out he’s a human. After running some scenarios through my head, I started the car to head home for lunch. [Side Note: We live close to my office, so I eat lunch at home with the Bean]
CONTEXT FOR MALES & TAMPONS
Few innocuous objects can leave a man more uncomfortable and shaken than a tampon. It’s completely irrational, but nonetheless, an undeniable truth. Its component parts (plastic, string, cotton) have no noticeable effect on a man, but put them together and it’s like kryptonite. We cringe at the name- Tampon (shudder). I liken my fear of tampons to my fear of clowns: I know they are harmless and won’t hurt me, but I stay the hell away from them. My best guess is that the fear is rooted in an unintended conditioning of our species; I’ll use the transitive property to explain:
Periods= Cranky Woman
Cranky Woman= Terrifying
OK, back to the story.
I’m now driving home and posed with the question “Why do I have a tampon in my inner coat pocket?” This naturally leads to “Who put a tampon in my pocket?” “How long have I had a tampon in my pocket?” “Who does this tampon belong to?” “Did anyone see me holding a tampon in the parking lot?”
I pull in the driveway having constructed the most plausible scenario. MAN PURSE! Now when I say “man purse,” I don’t mean it like a dude’s satchel. I’m talking about the all too common act of a woman using her man as a purse when she doesn’t want to carry one. Clearly this had been the work of the Bean. She has been known to use me as her man purse, putting things in my pants and/or coat when she wants to travel light. This results in me carrying her things around (knowingly or unknowingly) like her ID or keys. Clearly, this is what had happened. We were going somewhere, she didn’t want to tote around a tampon, knew I wouldn’t be agreeable to carrying it, so she popped it in my coat. How dare she. This time she had gone too far.
Now having filled in the blanks, I arrived home, marched in the kitchen and said “Well, thanks a lot for using me as a purse!” and I slammed the tampon down on the kitchen island for effect.
Bean was silent.
Figuring she was not up to speed, I elaborated – “Obviously, you snuck this bad boy in pocket one night, and now I’ve been walking around with a tampon like an idiot!”
Bean glanced at the island, opened her mouth, and started to speak words that made the situation even more dreadful than I ever could have imagined. “That’s not my tampon. I don’t use that kind.”
My well thought out, airtight theory now had a MAJOR hole in it…No…A prank… Who? Why? Who could have had the window, the motive. I didn’t even want to think it, but now I knew it was an inside job at the office. I’d have to deal with that after lunch.
Now that things were becoming clearer, I settled down and we began to resume lunch preparation as normal. As I often do after arriving home, I squatted down to give the Tuck Man (our blacklabesque dog) some love. To add insult to injury…
My eyes widened. I looked at Bean. She began laughing hysterically. I looked down. And I swear to you all, I split the entire crotch/butt region of my pants. Things had gone from bad to worse. Within about a 30 minute window, I had found a tampon in my pocket and split my pants.
Now back on the job, with a fresh pair of pants, I was on high alert. I went quickly to my pal and confidant’s office – we’ll call him “Mandrew” for anonymity- to tell him what happened. No sooner had I told him what I found, he cut me off – “ I was just telling this exact story to a group of people the other day. It had to be one of them.” (Knowledge I could have used earlier BEFORE I slammed the tampon down on the counter and accused the Bean) Apparently this had been a reoccurring gag that the women had pulled at Mandrew’s previous employer.
My personal feelings aside, we had momentum- a list of potential suspects. We started our interrogations, but to no avail. People thought it was hilarious, yes, but nobody was giving any “tells” to indicate that they were involved, or even had any knowledge. Was it a lone gunman? Had to be. Offices are notorious for chatter, so for it to have remained so contained had to mean it was some monster acting alone. Somebody in close proximity, somebody who enjoyed watching office pranks, maybe enjoyed them so much she had heard a story about a prank and thought “now’s my chance to shine”, maybe somebody who sat 10 feet away….. We’ll call her “Adminnie” the Administrative Assistant.
Now we all love “Adminnie”. She is the glue that holds the department together. Scheduling, Travel, it all goes through her. Adminnie is also the cheerleader of pranking in the office. She loves to hear a good prank story, but until now had always been a spectator. Could this have been her moment? The student becoming the master? I had my suspicions, but knew we wouldn’t have any trouble getting the information out of her. She has an Achilles heel- the worst poker face known to mankind. Picture Kristen Wiig’s SNL character “Sue” who always ruins surprises.
She has tried to pull face to face pranks before at the urging of others. She will typically bust out laughing before getting three words out during the attempt. Something like “Hey. The Pres-BAHAHAHAHAHA-ident of the Comp-HAHHAHAHAHA-any wants to see you in his office.” This tampon prank would be right up her alley; she could have busted out laughing while doing it with nobody around to hear it. I could practically see her planting it in my coat like a black and white Dateline reenactment.
The interrogation went down just like I would have expected. Mandrew started out with “..hey guess what, Adminnie, Brett(Mr.Bean) found something strange in his pocket at lunch”. She immediately interjected “Oh yeah, (giggle) what did he (giggle) find(giggle).” She literally had tears running down her face before we ever mentioned the specifics of the tampon. Busted.
Well played, Adminnie, but you’re in the big leagues now. I’m not going to retaliate immediatedly. (By the way, she found the ripped pants part exceedingly hilarious after I described my lunch hour). I’m going to let this simmer for awhile before I get even. I told her I was going to write about this- and Adminnie- rest assured that sweet, sweet revenge is headed your way. It might be a month from now (exactly a month would be pretty funny), maybe a year, but it will be done, and if I pick my prank-level right, I’ll probably regret it for a day or two before thinking it’s hilarious again….(Insert a lengthy maniacal evil genius laugh here).
Now that I’ve written this, I’m fearful that this post may result in rogue tampons plaguing the belongings of men the world over. Sorry guys.
Any good prank suggestions to get back at Adminnie?
What’s the best office prank you’ve taken part in or witnessed?
PS. In case you’re new here, you can catch Mr. Bean’s previous appearances here:
–Bean & Mr. Bean–